I’m back in Ohio after a week in San Francisco. I think the best part about going was seeing my family. Yes, they drive me absolutely crazy the majority of the time, but I don’t know. It’s been so long since I’ve seen them, I guess it didn’t really matter. Maddy was surprisingly wonderful throughout the entire trip. On the airplane, she slept or just laid in her crate. She was a terror when we left the condo and barked up a storm, but she settled down in a couple of days. Overall, I was really proud of her for being a good dog. My mom loved Maddy so much. I think she’ll miss my dog more than me, but she’ll come visit us in October. I’m excited for that.

It was incredibly relaxing being in San Francisco, but every time I go, I always want to do more things when I go back. I want to bike the Golden Gate Bridge. I want to eat more food. I want to take more pictures. I want to do more wine tastings. I want to go to Point Reyes. I want to hike in Muir Woods. I want. I want. I want.

I did a lot of reading and a little bit of exploring. I went to Union Street to take Maddy for a temperament testing at a doggie daycare I wanted to use for when we went to Napa Valley. We ended up going to Napa on Monday when the daycare was closed for Labour Day so there really was no point. I went to a few little shops, tried out a ton of jeans at a “jean bar”, and ate some soft serve. It turns out that designer/premium jeans don’t fit me at all. There was only one pair that fit, and even then, it was way too long. Yes, I could hem it, but what’s the point in paying $200 for a pair of jeans when I have to spend more money to make it fit correctly. I’ll save myself $130 and stick to the same jeans brand I’ve been wearing for the past 8 years. 8 years. Wow. I can still fit into my jeans from my freshman year of high school. I definitely have not grown at all.

Otherwise, I did a lot of exploring and a lot of walking. My favorite Kate Spade shoes that I bought in Georgetown before I went to Ireland are not what they used to be. Although I still roll my ankles out, I’ve corrected my feet a little bit so my shoes rub painfully when I walk a lot. I’m overly sentimental about my shoes, and I doubt I’ll throw them out if I can help it. I don’t know. I wore them in Ireland. I wore them on my first date with Caleb. I don’t know. When I put them on, I always feel a little more ladylike, a little older, a little more sophisticated. I still have my prom shoes and my Campers even though they’re falling apart from wearing them so much.

I bought a new pair of shoes, just a pair of flats. I want to wear heels, and I should just do it. I just end up being overly practical and don’t because I need to bike in them without worrying about them falling off when I stop. Anyways, when I was trying on shoes, it turns out the salesman was a Political Science major with a focus on IR and Political Theory. We talked a lot, and he gave me a lot of advice too. I know what you’re thinking, “Sara, you’ll be selling shoes with your PoliSci degree.” Yeah, maybe. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but he’s actually going to graduate school so maybe it wouldn’t be bad selling shoes while I went to school. I mean, I would get a discount on shoes. I don’t know. It was strange talking to someone who understands a lot of the shit I get for being a PoliSci major. “Oh, so are you going to run for office?” “What are you going to do with that? Can you even get a job?” It was reassuring to see someone who still had dreams, and while Civil Service, working for a think tank, or becoming a professor might be a long ways off, it doesn’t hurt to dream. Yes, I’ll need a lot more schooling in general, but I’m okay with that.

In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure this is what I want to do. I feel like it’s something I can definitely put my heart into, but it is really intimidating. I don’t know. Talking to him really made me believe in what I’m doing and studying again. I don’t know. I’ll be honest, I was starting to become slightly disenchanted with my goals in life, but it was really nice to get some positive reinforcement for once. Go to graduate school. Don’t sell your soul to law. Keep believing in what you’re doing. Maybe I can do this. I don’t know but maybe. I really need to stop saying “I don’t know” because I say it way too often.

I did a lot of reading while I was out there. The book I found most interesting was “Stumbling on Happiness“, which was incredibly insightful and witty. There were several times I burst out laughing. It was helpful for me to read it because it revealed a lot of my thought process over the past few months, which makes sense, but I guess I needed someone with some sort of authority to tell me. When I was incredibly depressed, I wouldn’t be able to see myself as anything but depressed in the future because I made my future predictions based on my current feelings. Well, yes, that makes sense, but it didn’t occur to me at any point in time. While the events in April seemed awful and still do, in time I will come to appreciate the person I’ve become, and I won’t want to change what happened. I mean of course it would be better if it never happened, but I can already see how it’s been helpful. I now know I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be, and maybe if it never happened, I wouldn’t know that. I don’t know. Little things like that.

I also read “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho, which was interesting to read after reading “Stumbling on Happiness”. Overall, it was fine, and the optimistic tone of the book was good for me. I need stupid stuff to try and keep me positive and optimistic. I’m definitely not as bad as I was a couple of months ago, but I think in general trying to maintain a somewhat positive attitude is helpful for me. I mean, we’ll see how far it gets me.

There are so many books I want to read that I’m almost overwhelmed. I wish I could just read and read and read. A couple of months ago, I wouldn’t have bothered with reading any nonfiction books, but now the majority of my Amazon wishlist is nonfiction. I mean, yeah I’ve got some cook books and such, but the books the I will most likely buy are going to be nonfiction with a focus on Psychology. There are a few literature books I want to read, but I have no interest in pop fiction. The next literature book I will read is “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” mainly because I watched the movie, and I wasn’t very happy with it. I have no idea why people love it so much and what not. I feel like there has to be more to the characters that maybe I didn’t see in the movies. There has to be something more. After that I want to read more Vladmir Nabokov. I’ve read “Lolita” twice. I just love his wordplay and descriptions, and I feel like I can learn a lot from his writing.

I ate a ton of Chinese food while I was in San Francisco, of course. This time, however, my stomach was super unsettled the entire time. I’m not sure if it’s the cleanliness of some of the restaurant kitchens, the grease, or just the weird stuff I ate (fish mall? What the hell is that? Is that even how you spell it?), but I was nauseous all the time. I did step away from the Chinese food a couple of times. We went to eat at McCormick and Kuleto’s in Ghirardelli Square. I love seafood! I also went to The Plant Cafe Organic to visit my old manager. The food was good, and it was really nice seeing her. I also treated myself to dessert at Cafe de la Presse on Bush and Grant my last day there. I was thinking about going to Starbucks, but I’m glad I didn’t!

I was surprised to miss Ohio as much as I do. I’m not really sure if the people I consider friends think of me as a close friend, but I certainly think that they’re my friends. Maybe I’m desperate for friends. Maybe I’m so used to everything being one-sided, I don’t really care. I found that I missed everything about Ohio. The hot sticky summer weather. My broken car. The park. Biking places. School. The memories. The people. I didn’t expect to miss Ohio. I mean, really, what is there to miss? When we would encounter people from Ohio (“Where are you from? Oh really? I was born in Ohio!”), which happens more than expected because my mom always tells people we’re from out of town, I would get this small burst of pride from calling Ohio home. I don’t know. In the past, I would say, “I’m from Maryland, but I go to school in Ohio.” Now, I say that I’m from Ohio. It just took 4 years to feel like I’m at home.

Things that made me happy on this trip: A man ditched his bike on the side of Market Street to help an old man struggling to cross the road. A father holding his baby that needed some sort of medical aid to live. He was wearing a backpack with a tube that connected somewhere to the baby. The infant reached up his tiny little hand and put on his father’s cheek, and in return, his father kissed his palm. It’s weird, but it was really beautiful. Maddy. How can I be sad when I have such an awesome happy dog? Coming home.