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Political Science

I love this song. I miss being able to listen to music in my car because I loved singing Florence and the Machine at the top of my lungs. My car wouldn’t start today. I hope I can get it to start and go someplace to get it fixed because I need it to go to Kenyon.

My life is in shambles, as usual, but I don’t want to think about it. Really, it’s not all that bad. I know it was much worse right now last year. I don’t want to think about it.

I had a vivid dream the other night. It was about you. When I woke, I thought maybe it had been real. Maybe it’s what I wish I had, but I don’t want it. I wish I could cut the memories of you out of my mind. I wish the old scars would fade. The burns on my arm from that sheet pan have faded into shadow, just a faint darkening of skin, but these scars will not disappear.

I wonder why these memories come back so unexpectedly. Maybe it’s because I’m still bitter. I’m surprised I can be such a bitter woman.

I had substitute instructors in both of my classes today. We watched Why We Fight in my Political Science class. It sort of makes me glad that as an adult that I read The New York Times. I think one of the benefits in life is the fact that I have been surrounded by news for quite some time. I remember the Nightly News on as a child and watching The Today Show before going to school in middle school. When taking my Cold War class, I was able to recall seeing images from the Bosnian War on TV rather than furiously studying charts of humanitarian intervention and military action. I wish I were better at reading the news. I used to be much better at reading more than what was on the homepage.

I want to write. I understand this entry is completely disjointed and scattered and I don’t know what else. I just want to write. I want to be a better writer. It seems like it’s the only thing I can focus on right now. It seems like the only thing I want right now.

All my goodbyes. All the goodbyes unsaid. I don’t know.

I think I like writing poetry because I think over my words, and I don’t end up saying “I don’t know” like I always do everywhere when I’m rushed to articulate my thoughts and feelings.

Tonight, it rained.

I feel like I have been so social this past week. On Friday, I went to all these Halloween events (really only two), and Saturday, I went to a Halloween event. Sunday, I didn’t really do anything. Breakfast. Does that count? On Monday, I went to karaoke and dinner. Yesterday night, I went to Kelly’s house, and we made sushi. Today, I had dinner with Amina. Phew! Good thing I don’t have much school work this week.

It was a lot of fun making sushi with Kelly since we were both kind of blundering through it. I did one really good roll, but I did one super awful one that was sort of squarish….embarrassing.

Maddy just lifted her head to look at me, and her beard is all smushed from napping. My dog is so ridiculous. Lately, little leaf bits have been sticking to her paws, and she scatters them all over the apartment. It’ll only get better when clumps of snow stick to her paws, and she’ll drip cold water all over the floor. When I step in them, I’ll be super startled, and my toes will be all soggy.

Today, I had a day of class. We learned about the Bosnian War, which I have very vague and faint memories about seeing things on TV about it. I was surprised (and I think a lot of people in my class were too) that the war ended when the Dayton Peace Accords were signed in Dayton, Ohio. Then, we went over my disaster of a poem in my poetry class.

I went to yet another grocery store searching for kettle corn. I settled on a different brand that isn’t quite as good so I would have something to munch on tomorrow. I love kettle corn. After my pointless expedition, I went to have dinner with my friend. It was nice to see her and chat and talk about everything.

I’ve been so tired all day even though I went to bed early yesterday. Maybe I slept too much. If worse comes to worse, I can sleep on the bus.

I am so exhausted. I stayed up very late last night reading about The Sources of Soviet Conduct and Improbable Dangers. This morning I diligently reviewed the Truman Doctrine, the Regan Doctrine, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Sputnik, and which countries fell to Communism. I prepared myself for the worse case scenario (ordering events of either the Vietnam War or the Korean War) and having to recall the exact year when each event of the Cold War happened. When I sat down for my exam today, I was not at all prepared for the worst, but I was ready to face whatever came my way and hoped the curve would save my grade (If I get an 83, I might get an A. If I got a 62, I might get a B?).

Lo and behold, when I had to answer 5 of 6 short answer questions, I knew the answers to 4 without stretching my brain too hard. I could answer the long essay with examples (Chapter 7 of Improbable Dangers for concepts and Chapter 8 for cases) and you, professor, mentioned it in your book too.

Take that, Cold War!

So I felt pretty good about that, but we’ll see how I feel after I actually get my exam back. This is probably the best I’ve felt walking out of the exam, which could be good or bad.

This weekend has been so exhausting. I’ve done so much reading, which hopefully will pay off, and I just have a little bit more work to do before I can take a deep breath and relax for a spell before figuring out how to write a 40 line blank verse poem.

I didn’t mention this in my previous posts over the weekend because I didn’t really want to think too much about it and put a damper on my mom’s visit, but Friday marked 6 months. It’s awful that there’s a beer out there to commemorate the date for me forever. It’s awful that hours afterward people we’re constantly asking, “Can I get a 422? Can I get a 422?” I want to take off that day next year if I’m still working. I don’t think I can do it again. I don’t think I can ever do it again. Maybe I should just grow a pair and deal with it.

They say that it gets easier after the first year, but 6 months has been pretty rough. I’m pretty sure I’ve thought about it every single day. There’s one memory that I can never get rid of no matter how hard I try not to think about it. It’s just burned into my brain like a movie playing over and over again in the background.

I don’t know. I was talking about it with a friend the other day, and he said he never wanted to bring it up because he didn’t want to bring up any painful memories. It doesn’t really matter. They’re always there. This isn’t to say that I think I’m the only person who has suffered in the history of the human race. I know there are millions of people just like me who feel the same way I do and think the same thoughts I do. My experience is not unique, but it’s the experience that I live with every day.

I have a strange level of apathy towards it, which isn’t true at all. On the night of May 11th, we were cleaning at work until very late, and we went to Bodega afterward for some drinks. I don’t know why I said it. Did we have shots? Either way, I told a couple of my co-workers about it, and one of them was so angry for me. I’m pretty sure he said something along the lines of I don’t know how you can be so chill about it. It’s not that I was okay with it. For months afterward, every Thursday I would close at work, and every Thursday I would go to do my restock in the downstairs walk-in and just cry. I don’t know. I should have been angry. I should have screamed and thrown things maybe taken a bat to his car, but it didn’t matter. What happened happened, and being angry and emotional constantly wasn’t going to help me. I just had to figure out how to keep living my life.

I wrote a poem about it, tried to puke it out but that worm ain’t ever coming out. Someone commented that the title was too cliche, but I don’t think anyone got the reference to Tess of the D’Urbervilles, which is fine. My professor said you could see the speaker’s disconnect trying to remove herself from the situation. I was surprised he said that because as the author I didn’t see it as being a disconnect. It’s not a disconnect for me, but every time I bring my poems into class, my professor points out something in my poems that I never noticed before. These things just slip into my poems, and I don’t realize it. It’s true. I have a sort of disconnect with what happened because I think I don’t want it to be a part of who I am even though it is. I don’t know.

We’ll see where I’ll be in 6 months. I want to do something fun maybe to celebrate the fact that I’ve survived a year more or less in one piece, and I’m slowly moving on with my life. I know I don’t want anyone asking if I can get them a 422 because if I could, I would carve the date out of the calendar.

Dear Blog,

I’m terribly sorry for abandoning you the past couple of days, but my mom has been in town. Yes, I know I could have written something or another in here, but my evenings have been occupied with homework. Tonight, I needed a break from the Cold War, so I thought I would check in with you. I hope you’re doing well.

Love,
Sara

I picked up my mom from the airport yesterday after cleaning my apartment and standing at Best Buy wondering if I should buy a TV and hook it up to my laptop so my mom could watch movies or sports, but I decided not to, which is fine. I’m pretty tired, but I can’t sleep. I have so much reading to do about the Cold War and not to add this looming paper about suffocating mothers. My mom isn’t suffocating at all. She’s sleeping right now curled up on my bed with Maddy. My dog has abandoned me for my mom. My mom constantly snuggles Maddy to the point of my dog looking incredibly uncomfortable, but she’s a tolerant dog and takes it in stride.

Yesterday my mom and I went shopping at Easton, which really consisted of wandering around somewhat aimlessly and buying nearly nothing. We ate dinner and then came back to my apartment to a very happy Maddy dog. After my mom went to sleep, I wrote a poem for class. I have to say I’m pretty disappointed with it, and I’m prepared for the criticism on Monday. Ugh. How awful.

Today we woke up and went to Tasi for breakfast before heading to the stadium for the game. We ran into some of my old friends crossing the road, and it was nice to catch up. The game was a blow out, but it was fun sharing the experience of game day with my mom, although we didn’t participate in any particular game day activities (ie tailgating, pre-gaming, etc.) and simply went to the game. Heading back to my apartment was a little bit of an adventure. We had to walk a little bit to get to a bus stop and take the bus back. I guess that isn’t really an adventure, but it involved quite a bit of walking, which I’m not really used to since now I ride my bike to places.

We had dinner, and then, we went to the new Market District over in Upper Arlington. I wasn’t particularly impressed with it because it didn’t seem to have anything I couldn’t get elsewhere except for Starbucks Double Shots, the mini versions not the gigantic ones. They didn’t have the kettle corn that I found in Cincinnati. I’ve been looking for it in Columbus, and it would help if I didn’t throw away the bag. I’ll find it somewhere. I’ve been craving it for days now…I doubt I’ll go to this Market District place because it’s not very convenient, and it has no real draw for me.

I’m currently studying for my midterm on Monday. I’m reading so much stuff on the Cold War, and I’m surprised that this stuff is so interesting. I know a lot of what we’re learning is going to connect to post-9/11 policy, and I can already see it taking shape. I’m sort of dorkily excited to see the parallels and to study the War on Terrorism in the coming weeks, but I need to get through this next week in one piece. Midterm and paper on Monday. 40 lines of blank verse. I can do it.

I broke the key for my bike lock today. It snapped, and I shoved the remaining stub hoping that I could push in the broken piece and turn it. Luckily, it worked. For a brief moment, I thought my bike would  be locked to a no parking sign, and I would be late for class.

Today was uneventful. In my Cold War Security Policy class, we talked about the end of the Cold War, which was interesting because I sure as hell don’t remember 1989. I was probably crying like a baby because I was a baby and refusing to eat because I was a picky baby. We watched some footage of the fall of the Berlin Wall, and it was pretty powerful.

I don’t have much of anything to say probably because I don’t really want to say anything substantial…like always. I don’t know. Worthless.

I went to talk to my professor today about my future prospects in life. I was waiting for him outside his office, but work called so I called them back. While I was standing outside in the lobby, he appeared and asked if he could speak to me. Uh oh. It turns out he wanted to see if I had considered grad school. Uh what? I was really surprised by this because I was going to see him about my chances for applying and getting accepted to graduate schools. I don’t know if he talks about it to several students a quarter, but I was really surprised he was going to approach me.

He provided me a lot of information and some direction on things I need to work on to improve my poetry (pretty much everything), but I’m really excited. I think not applying for next year would be the best because it would give me a lot of time to work on my portfolio, take more classes, and get together everything I need for applications. I don’t know. It’s terrifying, the idea of trying for something. I don’t know. Applying to undergraduate was different because I was expecting to get into numerous schools. At the very least, I would go to Maryland because of proximity. Graduate school, on the other hand, I see as something far more selective and something I’m really going to have to work to get.

I haven’t really thought everything out. I’m not sure if I want to commit to two or three years and come out with very few marketable skills. This would be something that I love and would want to learn more about, but I mean, what about the rest of my life? My professor said it’s good that I have another skill set and area of expertise to fall back on, but Political Science isn’t exactly a hopping field with a lot of job potential. Maybe I should just take a risk and go with it. What’s the worst that can happen? Either way, I definitely have more excitement and energy going into the rest of this quarter and looking forward to more schooling. I think I’m in a pretty good mindset for this possible path, and I’m glad I’m still in school to be able to consider it.

I would say that I feel a lot better about the possibility of applying. Knowing that my professor has some faith in me and my lackluster writing gives me a little bit of hope. It also makes me feel a little bit better about my life. At least I know I’m not a complete failure and there’s no hope for me. There’s room for my poetry to grow and for me to grow as a person, expand, and learn more. That makes me feel a little bit better. Someone somewhere sees potential in Sara.

Tonight I had a dinner of leftovers, but it’s food that I cooked so at least I’m making an effort to cook still. I really need to get a microwave because I think it’ll make reheating food easier rather than constantly washing my pots and pans or trying to use as few pots as possible to minimize washing. It’ll also make heating up soups a lot easier. Since there’s only one of me, I think if I make soups, I’ll freeze like 1 cup portions and just toss those in a pot to reheat whenever I want to eat it, but knowing how much I eat, it might get really annoying heating up more soup mid-meal if I’m still hungry. I don’t know. I’ll figure something out sometime eventually.

EDIT: I felt the need to include the following conversation.

me: I’m worried I’ll turn into one of those weird artsy people if I take this poetry thing too seriously
Jason:
lol
me:
I still want to be a normal person
Jason:
you need to buy a beret
me:
gosh my clothes are all black already
Jason:
and some bongo drums
me:
I have some cardigans too
I just need to wear my glasses all the time
and I guess get bongo drums
Jason:
and you already have the history of sitting in coffee shops all the time
me:
OH NO
I’M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE
BLAaARRGH

Tonight was awesome and amazing, and overall my day has been all kinds of wonderful. I’m actually incredibly happy with my life the way it is. Although sometimes I want to change minor things and want to be in love, I am so happy to be Sara right now living Sara’s life. I know there is so much uncertainty for the present and for the future, but I love it all.

It seems strange to be so overly content with my life because for months I was so incredibly dissatisfied. I wanted you to love me. I wanted to be something more than the girl I was…if that makes any sense. I can’t believe how far I have come in the past few months. On April 29th, one week after Earth Day and one week after everything, I was paralyzed in bed unable to conceive doing anything more than crying my soul out with my poor dog laying at the end unsure of how to make me play with her. On July 1st, I couldn’t do anything but stare at the hook on my bedroom ceiling, and the next day I cut my hair. I gave everything away.

Today was all sorts of ordinary. I met Amina for coffee, and we discussed poetry and life. I went to my first class, Security Policy of the Cold War. Boooring right? I don’t know. I love being submerged in the thought processes and the issues of the past. A lot of really important Political Science theory emerged from the Cold War, and while it doesn’t apply to theory now, I think it’s incredibly valuable to know from where it came. It’s also super cool to try and understand what was going on then with the knowledge we have now. How did it feel in 1957 or 1958 when the Soviet Union was outpacing us in the space race? How would I feel as an American thinking that the Soviet Union was producing missiles like sausages? Like SAUSAGES!

My next class was Writing for English majors. Snoooze right? Every time I’m in this class, I want to learn more. I want to improve my writing so desperately even just school writing. I want to become better, and I want to tap into the reservoir of talent I am so certain that I have. I know I have the capability to grow so much.

After this class, I ran into Amina again outside the Journalism building. I was on my way to see my poetry professor about my poem. In the 5 minutes we went over my poem, I learned so much, and I’m so excited to revise my poem. He even said one line was fresh. Man, I could die tomorrow knowing that I had one nice line of poetry in the eyes of my professor. I’m happy with that in itself. I also solved the mystery of “the large Coke bottle” and the “Pepsi bottle”, which surprisingly wasn’t as deep as I thought it was. I guess I expect everything to be outrageously deep and meaningful, but sometimes it’s just an adjective. It was comforting to see that even such a great poet still is critical of an amazing piece, and great poem can be revised even though I think it is completely wonderful the way it was.

This was during my break in between classes, and I went to the library and read. I reviewed the poems that I read for class, which was nice because reading them a couple of more times brought more insight and more understanding. I love that. I love reading, and so far, I love reading for all my classes. I do want to read more for fun, but reading for class is strangely fun. Read. Read. Read. I have so much I can learn from reading these poems. I’m in love with learning right now.

I would say this is the first quarter when I love every single one of my classes. God knows that when I was taking the Chemistry sequence and Organic Chemistry, while I liked learning the material, I dreaded the hours spent on lab reports and studying for exams. This isn’t to say that I don’t like studying. I actually do enjoy it immensely, but it wasn’t material that I loved. Even some of my other classes like Theories of International Relations didn’t produced this effect. I loved the material, but I dreaded going to class and lecture was so boring. If I didn’t have a friend in the class, it would have been tough to go.

Maddy is grumbling at me because she’s taken to chewing a corner of my rug, and I scold her when she tries to go over and chew at it. I wonder what’s up with all the pent up energy, dog. We’ve gone on several walks today, and this is normally bed time for you. Curl up on your pillow and settle. Be all cute and cuddly.

Poetry class was long, but every time I get so much insight. I like taking little notes about small tips and things I should focus on when I’m writing. I wish a poem will just drop out of my mind so I can start writing it. I think I’ll spend some time thinking about it tomorrow. I have a bit of homework and reading to do for Wednesday, a lot of cleaning, and minor errands to run, but I want to get started on this poem. I should spend some time randomly writing to try and get some inspiration. I know, without a doubt, that there’s a poem I want to write but can’t. I’m not ready. I know I have 8 lines that I want to elaborate on and bring into a longer poem that hasn’t been written, but I’m not ready.

After class, I spent about half an hour in the library doing some homework before I had to catch the bus home. I didn’t ride my bike because the weather report said that it was going to rain most of the day. This was a lie, and it was crisp and beautiful all day, the perfect weather for riding my bike. I saw a girl wearing ear muffs while riding my bike, and I should consider that. I would like a helmet and have something cover my ears so I can still bike when it gets even colder. I would like to bike as long as possible. While the bus is always an option, it feels like a hassle delaying when I go home because I have to wait for the bus.

I can’t believe I’m writing such an incredibly long entry for such an ordinary day.

I went to dinner with Casey at Dirty Franks, which was so nice. It was nice to talk and think about how things are going in my life. Also, I love hot dogs or specifically the hot dogs at Dirty Franks. I get such cravings for them. I also branched out for my normal dogs and tried Amy’s Big Boston Dog. When we were done eating, karaoke was starting. We sang “Fly Me to the Moon” in costume. Casey was dapper, and as expected, I chose the kimono.

From there we went to Carabar to see a coworker’s show. I had a great time talking before the show and an amazing time dancing. Yes I dance to metal.  Je danse tout le temps. This girl even came up to me and said that my outfit was cute even though she was way cuter than I. She had this awesome trucker hat and her hair in pigtails that I could never pull off. I would look too much like Asian school girl not to add that my hair isn’t long enough for that. It was super nice of her because I didn’t know her and after class, I was standing in my room thinking, “Okay. Metal show. What do I have that’s black? What can I wear with my ankle boots?”

Today was completely perfect and so much fun. I couldn’t have wished for a better Monday. Right now, I can’t imagine life different from this wonderful life. I can’t imagine anything more. I want to be in love, but everyone always wants to be in love. I am completely aware and content with the knowledge that I can’t make love happen. That’s fine because I love my dog so much, and I love today, this moment, this now.

Love will come when it comes most likely unexpected, and I want my freedom taken by unexpected love. I can’t want it really because it’s the best when my heart is just stolen, and I know somehow somewhere it’ll just happen. It’s happened before, and lightning can strike twice. Whenever this happens, I’m ready because I know I am capable of love and so much love. Right now I feel like I’m bursting with love even though I’m not in love. I’m bursting with this outrageous enthusiasm and excitement for life. It kind of makes me sick that I’m one of those people, but I love it. I love myself. I love my dog. I love school. I love Columbus. I love Ohio.  I love everything about where I am.

This is the life I want to live right now.

School started yesterday, which was fantastic. I’m not a huge fan of how crowded campus is, but that’s what you get for going to such a large school. I just get claustrophobic even though I’m outside riding my bike on the street and the streams of people are passing by on the sidewalk. I know it’s not really claustrophobia, but I don’t know how else to say it. See how bad I am with words?

It took less time than I thought it would to bike to class, like 12 minutes? I parked my bike at the Journalism building, which is extremely convenient for all my classes. My first class, Political Science Security Policy During and After the Cold War, is in the Journalism building in a lecture hall just too small for the class. Actually, only one person would have had to stand if one guy didn’t think his backpack needed an entire seat to itself. Did your backpack pay tuition? I don’t think so. It was really interesting and fun, and my professor is hilarious. I’m probably just one of the super awkward people that laugh at any clever quip. I think I would like the subject matter a lot because it applies a lot of the theory I learned. I want to see Realism in action.

During the middle of class, the tip of my pen broke. I really like the Pilot G2 0.38mm pens, ultra ultra fine point, but for some reason, the tips break all the time before I get anywhere close to using up all the ink. It’s really frustrating, and I’ve misplaced or broken nearly all of my pens so it was the only pen I had with me at the time. The boy sitting next to me was nice and let me borrow a pen. After class, I ran to the Central Classroom building to buy some pens to use for the rest of the day, but I was starving so I bought some Raisinets and a granola bar to eat in addition to half a cranberry apple muffin I already had. I don’t know why I like Raisinets so much.

My next class was English 398, the writing class for majors. I was a little disappointed that it was like a school writing class. I was hoping we would be working on grammar and sentence structure and stuff like that, but I think we’re just going to be talking about theory (I love all theory in general so I’ll probably love that) and crafting essays for class. I like my professor so far, and I think I’ll take some scraps of sentences to him anyways to try and work on wording things more effectively. I realize that I always have a goal of maximum clarity when I’m writing things whether it’s a Yelp review or a poem, and I never feel like anything is ever clear so there must be a better way to write it.

I always think it’s really interesting when we go around the room and do class introductions. “What’s your name, your hometown, your major, your year, your pet’s name, your favorite hobby, blahblahblah.” This somewhat insightful for me. Since it was an English major class, everyone there was an English major except for me. I was the lone minor. A lot of people were English majors because they like to read and write, which is good because English requires a lot of that, or they really liked their English classes in high school.

I thought that was really strange because I never felt like my high school English classes really left an impression on me except to let me know that I was taking way too many AP classes and should just use Spark Notes. I don’t necessarily regret it because reading the books now, I have a little bit more insight and understanding that I just didn’t have when I was 16. I don’t know. I also didn’t read any books that particularly resonated with me. A lot of people love Catcher in the Rye, and while it is a good interesting coming of age first person stream of consciousness book, I personally like The Sound and the Fury much more. The Sound and the Fury was a book I read in high school that I particularly liked, and I want to read more Faulkner. I’m not saying that I don’t like Catcher in the Rye. I do like it, but it’s not my favorite book. I didn’t read my favorite books, Tess of the d’Urbervilles and Lolita, in class. I would say that Lolita is one of my favorite books right now because I love Nabokov’s writing style, but I think that I should read more of his books. So many books to read!

I’m currently reading Descartes’ Error, but it’s been a slow read. I’m not sure if it’s because the writing is a little dry compared to say Daniel Gilbert’s or if I just want something a little bit more lively. I wish I were reading some fiction too, but usually when I try to do that, I usually just get hung up on the fiction book. I’m reading Poetic Meter and Poetic Form for my poetry class, and it’s a tough read just because I think about it really hard. I don’t have much experience with meter, but I will soon. I’ll get back to this later because I’ve completely gotten off track.

Either way, I was sort of surprised that no one said they liked English for what it is, the language and words and everything that makes it English. I guess, I am really weird for liking English language. A lot of people like and study literature and want to teach, but I really thought that other people would be like “Yeah, English is pretty sweet.” I think that’s why I like Lolita so much. I like Nabokov’s word play and his word choice. Hell, the first lines of the book are probably one of my favorite opening lines ever. A lot of times, I’ll open a book, and the first lines are pretty blah. In Lolita, you are immediately hooked and drawn in, and you feel the passion, love, and delight. You want to read more.

Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.

She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita.

In my next class, we saw an awesome TED talk of Hans Rosling at the State Department last year. It is such an amazing video, and I think everyone should watch it. I particularly liked how he used the microphone as a pointer and the Sweden races towards the end. Hilarious. I actually dropped this class already because it isn’t really what I thought it would be.

My last class of the day was English 566, my poetry writing class with Andrew Hudgins. I was so nervous and uncomfortable. Everyone seems very friendly, and Professor Hudgins is a really awesome guy. It was nice that there’s a girl from my 266 class in my class too. I’m really excited but overwhelmed. I don’t feel like a poet or a writer, and there is so much more structure to this class than my 266 class that I feel sort of unprepared. I have to write a poem a week, which is good because I need to force myself to write. I was sort of lazy over the summer, and while I did write one 8 line poem and get a good start on a few, having a deadline will force me to get my act together.

I’m kind of worried because I tend to write short poems. After I get something down, I’m constantly crossing stuff out and getting rid of it to pare it down, but my first poem needs to be 25 lines. I’ve only written one poem more than 20 lines. Then, in a few weeks I need to write a 30 lines blank verse. THIRTY LINES! That’s nearly a million! Not to add, I have very little experience writing in meter. I’ve made some poor attempts but nothing worth anything. The Poetic Meter and Poetic Forms book has already helped immensely. I’ve gotten much better at feeling the rhythm, but I think I need to read much more of it to become comfortable with meter.

Either way, I’m incredibly excited for this year, and I’m really excited for my classes. I want to improve my writing so much and just improve overall. I feel like this quarter I will learn so much, and I’m so excited for it. I didn’t even get to what I titled this entry about, but maybe it’s for the better.

Were the radio waves of my heart able to reach you?
It’s broadcasting from the Heart Station of sinners
And only God knows
How much I miss you.

I can’t go on without forgetting you,
That’s how it seems at least, but why is it
That only all the good memories of us remain?

Without a doubt, even though we’re separated, you’re right here…
Right here at the center of my heart.

Thing that made me happy today: A grandma and grandpa off-roading with a stroller in the park.

I’m back in Ohio after a week in San Francisco. I think the best part about going was seeing my family. Yes, they drive me absolutely crazy the majority of the time, but I don’t know. It’s been so long since I’ve seen them, I guess it didn’t really matter. Maddy was surprisingly wonderful throughout the entire trip. On the airplane, she slept or just laid in her crate. She was a terror when we left the condo and barked up a storm, but she settled down in a couple of days. Overall, I was really proud of her for being a good dog. My mom loved Maddy so much. I think she’ll miss my dog more than me, but she’ll come visit us in October. I’m excited for that.

It was incredibly relaxing being in San Francisco, but every time I go, I always want to do more things when I go back. I want to bike the Golden Gate Bridge. I want to eat more food. I want to take more pictures. I want to do more wine tastings. I want to go to Point Reyes. I want to hike in Muir Woods. I want. I want. I want.

I did a lot of reading and a little bit of exploring. I went to Union Street to take Maddy for a temperament testing at a doggie daycare I wanted to use for when we went to Napa Valley. We ended up going to Napa on Monday when the daycare was closed for Labour Day so there really was no point. I went to a few little shops, tried out a ton of jeans at a “jean bar”, and ate some soft serve. It turns out that designer/premium jeans don’t fit me at all. There was only one pair that fit, and even then, it was way too long. Yes, I could hem it, but what’s the point in paying $200 for a pair of jeans when I have to spend more money to make it fit correctly. I’ll save myself $130 and stick to the same jeans brand I’ve been wearing for the past 8 years. 8 years. Wow. I can still fit into my jeans from my freshman year of high school. I definitely have not grown at all.

Otherwise, I did a lot of exploring and a lot of walking. My favorite Kate Spade shoes that I bought in Georgetown before I went to Ireland are not what they used to be. Although I still roll my ankles out, I’ve corrected my feet a little bit so my shoes rub painfully when I walk a lot. I’m overly sentimental about my shoes, and I doubt I’ll throw them out if I can help it. I don’t know. I wore them in Ireland. I wore them on my first date with Caleb. I don’t know. When I put them on, I always feel a little more ladylike, a little older, a little more sophisticated. I still have my prom shoes and my Campers even though they’re falling apart from wearing them so much.

I bought a new pair of shoes, just a pair of flats. I want to wear heels, and I should just do it. I just end up being overly practical and don’t because I need to bike in them without worrying about them falling off when I stop. Anyways, when I was trying on shoes, it turns out the salesman was a Political Science major with a focus on IR and Political Theory. We talked a lot, and he gave me a lot of advice too. I know what you’re thinking, “Sara, you’ll be selling shoes with your PoliSci degree.” Yeah, maybe. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but he’s actually going to graduate school so maybe it wouldn’t be bad selling shoes while I went to school. I mean, I would get a discount on shoes. I don’t know. It was strange talking to someone who understands a lot of the shit I get for being a PoliSci major. “Oh, so are you going to run for office?” “What are you going to do with that? Can you even get a job?” It was reassuring to see someone who still had dreams, and while Civil Service, working for a think tank, or becoming a professor might be a long ways off, it doesn’t hurt to dream. Yes, I’ll need a lot more schooling in general, but I’m okay with that.

In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure this is what I want to do. I feel like it’s something I can definitely put my heart into, but it is really intimidating. I don’t know. Talking to him really made me believe in what I’m doing and studying again. I don’t know. I’ll be honest, I was starting to become slightly disenchanted with my goals in life, but it was really nice to get some positive reinforcement for once. Go to graduate school. Don’t sell your soul to law. Keep believing in what you’re doing. Maybe I can do this. I don’t know but maybe. I really need to stop saying “I don’t know” because I say it way too often.

I did a lot of reading while I was out there. The book I found most interesting was “Stumbling on Happiness“, which was incredibly insightful and witty. There were several times I burst out laughing. It was helpful for me to read it because it revealed a lot of my thought process over the past few months, which makes sense, but I guess I needed someone with some sort of authority to tell me. When I was incredibly depressed, I wouldn’t be able to see myself as anything but depressed in the future because I made my future predictions based on my current feelings. Well, yes, that makes sense, but it didn’t occur to me at any point in time. While the events in April seemed awful and still do, in time I will come to appreciate the person I’ve become, and I won’t want to change what happened. I mean of course it would be better if it never happened, but I can already see how it’s been helpful. I now know I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be, and maybe if it never happened, I wouldn’t know that. I don’t know. Little things like that.

I also read “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho, which was interesting to read after reading “Stumbling on Happiness”. Overall, it was fine, and the optimistic tone of the book was good for me. I need stupid stuff to try and keep me positive and optimistic. I’m definitely not as bad as I was a couple of months ago, but I think in general trying to maintain a somewhat positive attitude is helpful for me. I mean, we’ll see how far it gets me.

There are so many books I want to read that I’m almost overwhelmed. I wish I could just read and read and read. A couple of months ago, I wouldn’t have bothered with reading any nonfiction books, but now the majority of my Amazon wishlist is nonfiction. I mean, yeah I’ve got some cook books and such, but the books the I will most likely buy are going to be nonfiction with a focus on Psychology. There are a few literature books I want to read, but I have no interest in pop fiction. The next literature book I will read is “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” mainly because I watched the movie, and I wasn’t very happy with it. I have no idea why people love it so much and what not. I feel like there has to be more to the characters that maybe I didn’t see in the movies. There has to be something more. After that I want to read more Vladmir Nabokov. I’ve read “Lolita” twice. I just love his wordplay and descriptions, and I feel like I can learn a lot from his writing.

I ate a ton of Chinese food while I was in San Francisco, of course. This time, however, my stomach was super unsettled the entire time. I’m not sure if it’s the cleanliness of some of the restaurant kitchens, the grease, or just the weird stuff I ate (fish mall? What the hell is that? Is that even how you spell it?), but I was nauseous all the time. I did step away from the Chinese food a couple of times. We went to eat at McCormick and Kuleto’s in Ghirardelli Square. I love seafood! I also went to The Plant Cafe Organic to visit my old manager. The food was good, and it was really nice seeing her. I also treated myself to dessert at Cafe de la Presse on Bush and Grant my last day there. I was thinking about going to Starbucks, but I’m glad I didn’t!

I was surprised to miss Ohio as much as I do. I’m not really sure if the people I consider friends think of me as a close friend, but I certainly think that they’re my friends. Maybe I’m desperate for friends. Maybe I’m so used to everything being one-sided, I don’t really care. I found that I missed everything about Ohio. The hot sticky summer weather. My broken car. The park. Biking places. School. The memories. The people. I didn’t expect to miss Ohio. I mean, really, what is there to miss? When we would encounter people from Ohio (“Where are you from? Oh really? I was born in Ohio!”), which happens more than expected because my mom always tells people we’re from out of town, I would get this small burst of pride from calling Ohio home. I don’t know. In the past, I would say, “I’m from Maryland, but I go to school in Ohio.” Now, I say that I’m from Ohio. It just took 4 years to feel like I’m at home.

Things that made me happy on this trip: A man ditched his bike on the side of Market Street to help an old man struggling to cross the road. A father holding his baby that needed some sort of medical aid to live. He was wearing a backpack with a tube that connected somewhere to the baby. The infant reached up his tiny little hand and put on his father’s cheek, and in return, his father kissed his palm. It’s weird, but it was really beautiful. Maddy. How can I be sad when I have such an awesome happy dog? Coming home.

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