Ohio

to the dawn

March 6, 2012

excerpts from my journal for Monday March 5th: I am hungry. I crave fried food–french fries, onion rings, chicken tenders, and love. I love so easily. how easily I love. what? That bearded man was not Emily. how easily I love. how easily I love. how french fries french fries french fries.

Transience has been on my mind so much lately. How many people have I loved and will never see again? Maybe one but I suppose that’s by choice. I suppose the question I should pose is how many people who once were close no longer are? Then, the number skyrockets. I have no idea. Friends from high school. Friends from my undergraduate days. Friends from work.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master

We sat in the dim fluorescent lighting of the bar. Glass shards still clung to the doormat. You placed your hand on my face and said that was all you were going to do, and I asked if you had seen Hitch. You said no, made a face, and then kissed me. I laughed, and you kissed me again. You said I laughed so easily. Strangers surrounded us. You are a stranger.

It’s weird that threads of my life are coming back together in so many ways. At the Sewanee reception, I thought of what someone said at a reading a few weeks ago. It’s so strange seeing everyone in their winter clothes.

When we sat on the bench, a raccoon came near us, his eyes flashing in the darkness. I wanted to see the stars, but that night was cloudy. We talked about nothing, and you didn’t even try to take my hand or put your arm around my shoulders with some awkward excuse. Did I ask if you had a blanket in your car? Even then, we sat in our separate spaces. Later, I asked if you would forget me. Why do I ask such stupid questions?

How many people have forgotten me? How many people have I forgotten? I’m losing people every day, sometimes by choice but more often just because it’s not in my control. It’s how life works. I live in one state. You live in another. And I am a hopeless romantic. Maybe one day when our paths are different, they can intersect again. Maybe then, we’ll fall in love.

But I don’t hope. I’m not sitting here waiting for one of those people to knock on my door. I used to wait. I’m good at waiting. I learned that a long time ago, but I can’t wait. Some people aren’t worth waiting.

You asked me if I ever loved you, and I told you I never had the chance. It didn’t matter. You hurt me regardless of love.

Sometimes I wonder if all of it is just waiting maybe to run into someone again no matter how unlikely or hoping that maybe a guy will ask me to dance and as we dance I’ll feel that connectivity I’m looking for but have such a difficult time finding. Maybe I’ll just be lucky to meet a guy who doesn’t leer.

There are so many things that I want but cannot say, and it’s that involuntary turn in my thoughts that startles me and reminds me that I can’t have what I want.

You asked what I wanted, and I said, “Nothing you can give me.” I can’t hope.

My oldest friend in Columbus is leaving. What is keeping me here? Not the hope of meeting a nice Ohio boy even though Ohio boys are very nice and I highly recommend dating them to other people. I guess by this point in my life, I’ve dated mostly guys from Ohio, so a change of scenery is probably better for a girl who will always be from Maryland.

I’m not heartbroken, and I don’t really fear turning into a spinster. Loneliness and longing make for pretty good poetry I suppose, but I guess I’ll run out of that material if I were to become a spinster. I might make a nice neighborhood elderly lady. I’ll bake pies and cookies for my neighbors.

What am I even trying to look for if I might be leaving? Would boys in Indiana be much different from boys in Ohio? Would I be able to see boys in Maryland as anything more than the guys I dated in high school?

None of this matters. It’s not entirely up to me. I might be leaving, but that isn’t really any comfort. Maybe love isn’t meant for a girl like me. Maybe I’ve squandered all my love. Well, I know that isn’t true because I know I have so much love, but I wonder sometimes. I wonder if I’ll ever feel that way again. I wonder if I’ll ever feel this way again.

take and try

February 26, 2012

applications, life, Ohio, school

This initial euphoric feeling of happiness and excitement has faded pretty quickly to worrying and trying to figure out my future. I realize that my time in Columbus might be coming to an end, but nothing is set in stone. I still have to hear back officially from 5 schools. When I say officially I mean a phone call, letter, or email telling me specifically I was rejected rather than the speculation in my mind that oh if I haven’t heard back by now I’m either on the wait list or rejected. The schools where I am on the wait list, I could be taken off. It’s only the end of February, and I still have time.

For some reason, my eggs taste like Old Bay, but I only seasoned them with salt and pepper. Is this is a sign that I should get some crab cakes?

At the same time, it doesn’t feel like I have very much time. I was thinking about how actually poor my decision was to see Florence + the Machine at the end of July when my lease will be up and I might have to move to another state, but if I were to go to Purdue, maybe I could move up the Lafayette on the 29th, see Florence + the Machine in Indianapolis, have someone take me to my car in Columbus, drive up to Cleveland, oh goodness this is very silly. Nothing is set in stone.

I have so much hope for everything, but I’m worried and scared. It feels so different from applying and deciding on my undergraduate university. I didn’t even visit Ohio State before I accepted. My decision came down to Ohio State and University of Washington because I didn’t want to stay in Maryland, and I chose Ohio State because of the scholarship and proximity to home. I didn’t want to live in an expensive city like Seattle, and I didn’t want to travel across the country to go home. My considerations for graduate school are more extensive.

How long is the program? How close is it to a major city? What is the size of the town in which it is located? What would my stipend be? Who are the poets? How large is the program?

I think living in Columbus over the past few years has made a larger city more appealing to me. I know anyplace with a college is going to have bars and coffee shops, but I would love a city with an atmosphere like Columbus, relaxed but very fun. When I think about it though, could I just be happy anywhere as long as I have a park to walk in with my dog, a coffee shop, someplace to dance (maybe if I ballroom danced again, I wouldn’t feel the urge to dance all the time), and a bar with PBR and whiskey coke, which is pretty much every bar.

Maybe I’m fearful of leaving Columbus because it is fairly difficult for me to make friends, and even though I know I can make new friends, I guess I don’t want to leave the friends I have. My professor made the point that by the time I start, a lot of my friends will be in their 3rd year. Some of my friends will be leaving very soon. Some of my friends will still be here.

But I can only see myself as a Buckeye, as silly as it sounds. I don’t want to go to another school’s football games. (If I could go to Ohio State, which isn’t in my hands anymore, then I could go to two more Michigan home games.) I don’t want to dance for another university. I feel like a silly child. I don’t have to give up my love for Ohio State when I go to another school. I don’t have to give up Columbus forever if I leave. What does this city really hold for me aside from security and familiarity? I think if I visited schools, then maybe I would feel less anxiety.

I wonder where I will be in a year.

then make us

January 5, 2012

applications, art, family, friendship, good things, life, memories, Ohio, poetry, travel

Lately, I’ve been pretty tired after work, and I tell myself I can sleep in a little since I have a few days before the last round of applications. I’m not sure how I feel about nearing the end of this process. Relieved. Excited. Hopeful. I want to return to writing, and I’ve had a few words or lines floating around my head as I’m vacuuming at work or riding my bike home. I often need time to process things and think them over before I can write anything coherent. I have been writing but it’s all been jumbled. I like to believe that I’m collecting experiences to write about, and there are a few things I’ve been thinking about constantly.

While I was back in Maryland, I had exactly an hour and a half to run through to a couple of galleries at the Smithsonian before they closed mostly as a result of poor planning on my part and finding time in between family obligations and seeing my friends. I really wanted to see this exhibit, but looking for it and trying to cram in all the rapid art viewing I could manage, I was nearly running through the galleries. Look, ceramics. Cool. Next. It’s strange because I don’t remember exactly the last time I went to the Smithsonian (winter break freshman year?) but I used to go with my family quite a bit as a child, so I remembered where things were and then seeing pieces that I saw then and the details I noted as a child. It’s a strange experience. Layering memories.

life and the memory of it so compressed
they’ve turned into each other. Which is which?

I managed to find time to run through the exhibits at the National Gallery of Art, but once again, I hardly had time to look at anything before they closed. Standing in the entryway, I was almost overwhelmed by the strangeness and familiarity. How do I describe it? Caught.

I wish I were going back to Maryland sometime soon so I can spend time at the Smithsonian. It’s a place I loved as a child and being there again stirred up so many memories and thoughts. I don’t even know. Winter break my freshman year, I came back and was determined to go to the National Gallery, and when I went with a couple of friends, it just so happened that they had an Edward Hopper exhibit, which I loved. I was so excited.

While I love going home and seeing my family, it’s always incredibly strange to me and then trying to balance my time with my family, the friends I still keep in contact, and myself is always frustrating. On top of that, getting ready to go back to Maryland is always less than exciting especially since I don’t take my dog with me, but when I leave to come back to Ohio, I always wish I had more time. More time to do the things I love. More time to spend with the people I love. Would I move back to Maryland? Maybe but not right now. I have a strange relationship with what used to be home.

Flying back into Columbus, I knew without a doubt that this is home for me now. This is the life I have made for myself. Will this really truly be home unless the memories begin layering over the life I’m living and I can trace the roads from above as I fly into the airport?

Today (Wednesday the 4th because I start these entries at like 11:50pm and now time has moved beyond that) was the first day of class. I’m sitting in on my friend’s class just to be in school and to still be a part of that environment. It’s also a good experience just seeing how he’s teaching things because I have no experience teaching. Even though it’s been only the first day, I find it very exciting because everyone is so passionate, excited about the subject, and very willing to learn, and just two years ago, I took Introduction to Writing Poetry and I was trying to figure out how to write. It’s a nice reminder that this is where I started.

I wonder where this life will take me.

don’t forget

November 24, 2011

cooking, family, food, friendship, life, Maddy, memories, Ohio

I should have started baking earlier. It’s 1:49am, and I’m waiting for my pie and cheesecake to bake, which means I’ll be up later than I intended. I suppose it’s not the end of the world. I’m not worried about it.

This will be my fourth Thanksgiving in Ohio and my first single, which is a sort of strange thought. I’m okay with it. Maybe I’m really not, but I’m telling myself I am. I suppose I’m not really looking for anything much less anyone taking me home to meet family.

I have strange memories of Thanksgiving. I think Sophomore year I was super ambitious and made a pumpkin pie completely from scratch. I microwaved the pumpkin and did that whole thing. I asked the front desk if I could borrow the blender, but they couldn’t lend it to me in case I ran away with it and made margaritas. Luckily, a girl on my floor had a blender. I’m fairly certain I was in the common area outside of the kitchen blending the pumpkin as the hall director walked by.

The one year in the Chateau, I made two pumpkin pies for my roommate’s birthday.

It’s nice to spend a Thanksgiving not worrying about meeting family members and trying to impress them or just remember their names because I am terrible with names. Last year, I did Thanksgiving with friends, which was delicious and a lot of fun. I didn’t meet any family members or anything that day. Is it different? I guess so because I left a little bit early.

I suppose while I love autumn and generally I’m happy, this is a weird time of the year to be single. This is always the time of beginnings. For the past couple of years, I’ve gone to Ohio Star Ball with people to show them how awesome and fun ballroom dancing can be, at least spectating and now Thanksgiving. I suppose it’s about time that I come to this point. Is this resignation? Maybe understanding that this is how life is.

I guess in general, I’ve been reconsidering my relationships but not necessarily romantic ones. I wonder if I’ll be leaving this place. If I were to leave, who would I be running away from? Who would I wish I didn’t have to leave? After five years, who would still matter?

I’m an adult. My parents aren’t choosing who comes over for play dates anymore. This isn’t grade school where I have to see the same kids every single day for 3, 4, or 5 years.

Where will I be in 5 years?

Maddy tried to lick the pumpkin off my shirt. I need to stop wearing black when I’m baking.

breaking over

November 8, 2011

applications, cooking, dreams, food, friendship, good things, life, love, Maddy, memories, Ohio, poetry, recipes, things that make me happy

This weekend has been incredibly social. Since there aren’t time stamp on these entries (what is wrong with knowing the time?) it seems that I’m writing this sometime Tuesday and not just past midnight. Anyways, on Thursday after work, I met up with my friend at a show. It was sort of on a whim since I didn’t have any other plans and I didn’t really feel like being at home. When I got there, I ran into several of my friends, and these friend circles had never intersected before. It was really bizarre, but I had this outrageous happy euphoric feeling seeing all of my friends.

The show was good, but I guess I’m not much for standing around just kind of nodding my head to the music. Afterward, I wanted to dance so much and so badly that I went to Ladies 80′s, but there were so many creepy awkward people there. I just dance with my elbows out.

I had a very relaxing Friday running errands and getting ready for my dinner party on Saturday. Sort of spontaneously, I decided to make dinner for my friends because I wanted to make these apple pie cookies, and I had talked to someone about getting together and making them. Also, sometime sitting in a booth at The Library, I told a few people that I would make dinner for them. Since these two events aligned, I figured I would make the cookies as part of making dinner for people. It was sort of hard because I wanted to cook for everyone I know, but being reasonable, I know I can’t make dinner for like 40 people.

It actually worked out very well. I made the sauce for the lasagna the night before. I would have assembled and par baked the lasagna, but I forgot to buy the actual pasta for it. It ended up that I just went back in the morning. I also prepped the jalapeno cheddar scones and froze them to bake off before dinner.

The next day, I prepped the pastry dough for the cookies, grated a ton of cheese (I grated about a pound by hand before I remembered that I have a food processor), cut up all of the veggies for roasting, assembled the lasagna, and par baked one. My friend came over and we finished making the apple pie cookies. I should have rolled the dough out thinner so we would have had more cookies.

After that, I roasted the vegetables then finished off the lasagna while I baked the jalapeno cheddar scones. While those were cooking, I prepared the upside down pear cakes. While we were eating dinner, I put those in the oven. I didn’t grease the pan well enough so we had to run the knife along the edge, and when we dumped out the little cakes, I got honey all over myself. It’s okay.

I had so much fun cooking and hanging out with everyone, and I would love to cook for my friends again. It did work out so well because the recipe made two 9 x 13 lasagnas, which ended up being the perfect amount to feed about 12 people with varying appetites and then having leftovers. If I only had one lasagna, I would have barely enough food. My friends were also wonderful and cleaned my kitchen while I snuggled with my dog. I was so happy.

Luckily, Daylight Savings was in the middle of the night so I had time to recover before working all day on Sunday.

I’m really looking forward to the Winter Holiday Party, which would be a little tough just because December is a very busy month since I’m already going to Chicago one weekend. Also, there are so many desserts that I want to make. I will definitely make the upside down pear cakes because they’re already gluten free, and I’ll make a cheesecake because I have been craving cheesecake for a while.

I rearranged some of my furniture so now my mismatched bookshelves are all on one wall. This set up works a little bit better, but now my new reading chair is sitting in a bare corner. I have no wall decorations because I’m terrified of having to fill all the holes when I move out. There are already some from the girl who lived here previously. Maybe I should just get over it. Either way, I don’t know what I would put on my walls. I suppose art.

I can’t imagine leaving the people I’ve met in Columbus. I talked to my friend about it briefly when we were having lunch. The choice is moving out of my control with each passing week. My GPA is what it is, and that was decided by June. My GRE scores are set in stone. The only things I have in my control now are my personal statement and my portfolio. I’m running out of time. It’s less than a month to the first deadline. I guess I’m lucky that I live in Columbus because it only takes a day to mail it to campus. I could hand deliver it, but I think I’ll be in Chicago. I want to be done with it before then anyways.

What if I don’t get into graduate school? I told my professor I would apply again next year. It’s a terrifying thought and certainly a possibility but not entirely disheartening. Last year, I was just beginning to write poetry, and I’ve come so far in a year.

Where will I be next year?

to go

October 22, 2011

applications, food, friendship, good things, life, memories, Ohio, recipes

This week has been okay. I took the GRE today, which was fine. I did about the same I did last time, but I’m not too worried about it since that was fine. I was tired because I haven’t been sleeping well lately in general. I was hungry because I didn’t eat anything before the exam, which is my own fault, but I find being a little bit hungry makes me think better.

Yesterday, I went to the Circleville Pumpkin Show, which was so much fun. I generally enjoy fair/festival atmosphere because there is so much going on and everyone enjoys themselves. We had quite a sampling of pumpkin food including pumpkin burger, pumpkin pancake, pumpkin pie (fried and not fried), pumpkin seeds, and pumpkin chili, which was my favorite. I had a lot of fun except for locking myself out of my apartment, but that was my own fault. Luckily, I have wonderful friends.

I really want to try this pumpkin chili recipe.

It’s hard letting go.

wrong girl

October 16, 2011

friendship, life, Ohio

1 Comment

Columbus is a relatively small city, and everywhere I go I find people who know someone I know. I sort of like it, and it’s always interesting to see the people who connect all these people together or how those people met and comparing it to how I know those people. It would be impossible to map.

It’s strange how different aspects of my life intersect, and the life I lived before I even came to Ohio crosses the life I live right now.

I wonder if I could leave and go to a place where I know no one because I cheated when I came to Ohio. It would be strange to go places and not feel like I belong and not run into people I know. Would people still mistake me for someone else or think they actually know me when they don’t?

We met last year. Wrong girl.

something true

October 10, 2011

applications, blog, dreams, friendship, good things, life, memories, Ohio, poetry, school

Getting together things for my applications has been so stressful. I’ve notified all of the people filling out my recommendations, which has been an ordeal since every application is different. Some of them I had to fill out the application form and others I had to find the recommendation section. On top of that, I had to deal with systems that made me change my password every single time because it was messed up and then others that just wouldn’t let me log in period. I need to really finish up this application process within the next month because I don’t want to deal with any of it anymore. Even still, I had to search high and low and send out emails for paper recommendations, which really isn’t that difficult but difficult enough that I don’t know what I would do without the internet.

It’s nice because some of the forms are already complete, and I can really see the progress toward being done the application process, which is exciting and terrifying. I still have to write a lot of statements and edit a lot of poems, but I’m making progress. Tomorrow, I’ll fill out a lot of envelopes and forms, and then I’ll start figuring out which poems are done, which seems like an impossible task because I don’t think any of them are done. I need to finish up final revisions so I can at least feel like I’m sending out the right stuff.

I’m so hopeful.

Bad Sara for not writing more on life. I haven’t touched my journal in a couple of days, and I haven’t really written on my blog. It’s okay.

This weekend was overly social, and I was sort of burnt out by all of it on Saturday. Wednesday evening I went to Bodega after work. It was a beautiful night. On Thursday, I went to a reading and then to the bar afterward, which was fun, but I am so terribly socially awkward. I didn’t expect my best friend to come, so when she did show up, I was so excited and happy. We put songs on the jukebox. (I’m not a thief.) Friday, I went to Heatwave, which was a lot of fun. I wish more people ballroom danced, and I wish I were better at dancing. Then, on Saturday I worked, worked on a poem, briefly went to a housewarming party, and then went back to writing. By the time I was at the party, I wasn’t really in the mood to socialize or hang out even with my closest friends because I was so stressed out about writing and writing and writing.

I’m not sure what I think about the poem. I’m not sure what I think about anything. I guess I’ll see tomorrow.

At Heatwave, I knew so many people, which was a strange and bizarre feeling. I’m not the type of person who knows a million people even though I’ve been in this city for 5 years. A lot of the people I once knew don’t live here anymore. Either way, it was a strange feeling looking around and seeing all these people I knew. I have a lot of really great friends, but I don’t have a lot of friends. I felt like I was surrounded by a lot of great friends.

Today, I had a lunch with one of my friends, and throughout our conversation about school, poetry, and life, I kept thinking, “This is without a doubt the life I want to live.”

memories pressed into these pages

October 2, 2011

beauty, blog, books, dreams, food, friendship, good things, journals, life, love, Maddy, memories, music, Ohio, poetry, routine, school, travel

2 Comments

After taking my time getting out of the house, I went to a coffee shop in the attempt to get some writing done. Reading through old notes scribbled on a page produced no inspiration or ideas, but there was one note that made absolutely no sense to me.

Things without an H
hat at
hair air

Normally, I can recall why I wrote something down (ie. asparagus), but I can’t figure that one out or why I wrote it.

So now I’m reading through my old journals with the hope that some thought or memory will trigger something.

MWF French 101 CC246 1030-1148
MW PoliSci 541 SM1005 1230-218
TR PoliSci 550 SO0004 1130-118

January 12, 2009: I have never felt that way when dancing with anyone…I love salsa dancing…

March 14, 2009: In all honesty, last night was certainly without a doubt my first real date and my first first date, which makes me smile because my friend and I were talking about how weird it was that I’ve been in love and had all these long invested relationships but no first date.

March 20, 2009: I’m waiting to board my plane to New York. It is slightly delayed. Even though I’m here at the airport with bags packed, I don’t really feel like I’m leaving. I don’t feel like I’m going to Madrid.

March 24, 2009: We went to a bar. They got this wine and coke drink, but I couldn’t really taste it since I’m sick. The bar was super tiny and crowded…Later, we went to a discoteca. I talked to one of her friends from Switzerland. It was interesting because we talked in a combination of French, Spanish, and English. We danced a little bit. As the night went on, the music switched to American songs like I Kissed a Girl, Disturbia, and Single Ladies.

My friend offered to walk me home, but I declined being relatively competent in cities. I figured I could make it two blocks back to my apartment, and I felt bad since he had to walk back to his place. When the door to the building was closing, a man pushed the door open and followed me in. I went up the stairs, and at the first floor, he grabbed me saying something in Spanish…

The next day we went to the police station to file a report. It was okay, and now I have an interesting souvenir. I had a lot of interesting experiences. It was the first time getting into a scuffle. The first time someone has physically hurt me. First time in a police car. First time in a police station.

All in all, I’m pretty proud of myself for being capable of fending off a mugger. Yes, I was pretty dependent on my friend to walk me to and from home a lot for the rest of the trip, but I feel kind of independent to be able to function and protect myself in 4.5 inch heels.

March 28, 2009: We went to the Prado. Overall, I liked the museum a lot, but my favorite part was the Francis Bacon exhibit.

The train to Valladolid was a large relatively modern train, but to Carbajales de Alba was about two cars long and at least 10 years old. The conductor was slightly surprised that we were going there. When we came to the stop, the conductor let us know and opened the door. An abandoned train station greeted us.

I had seen on Google Maps that the town was a bit away from the train tracks. The sun was already going down, but it was daylight when we started walking. We passed cows grazing in stone pens with cowbells. It was dark by the time we made it to town.

We went to the bar to get some food. We stuck out because we were the youngest people there by about 30 to 40 years, and then, I’m Asian. The woman said they had some tapas. The food was amazing. I had the best food I’ve ever had in Spain and the best cafe con leche ever.

We walked back to the train station in the night guided by the flashing red and white lights of the wind turbines. It was a really long and cold night.

On the way back to Valladolid, we fell asleep on the train, much to the dismay of most of the elderly passengers, but I was too tired to process it.

English 202 MQ161 MW 1130-118
History 515.02 BE198 TR 930-1118
Art 300.02 HK 211 TR 1130-118 CM 200 R130-2218

April 8, 2009: My hands reek of butter, which smells good, but it’s kind of gross. There’s icing on the inside of my right sleeve.

April 12, 2009: I’ve fallen in love with Vienna Teng’s new album Inland Territory. My favorite song is “Kansas”…I think it’s simply a matter of time before he breaks my heart too.

April 22, 2009: I burned myself twice at work today taking brownies out of the oven and onto the speed rack.

May 6, 2009: My arm is covered in cupcake batter.

May 28, 2009: I had an interview today for a front of house position. She said I would have to take out my lip ring while I was working. I was super confused, and then I realized she was talking about my mole. Haha. Oh well.

June 20, 2009: I’m back in Columbus with my car and a dog.

July 15, 2009: I have been reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. There is a quote that struck me when I read it. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I had seen it before through PostSecret, but reading it in the book was different because of the context. I suppose it struck me because I realized why I tolerated the relationships I had. I thought it was what I deserved.

July 27, 2009: This past weekend we went to a party where I ate icing from a tube and danced. There was a kid there who salsa danced with me doing tons of dips.

I’ve been feeling weird lately. I told my friend that I saw on Facebook that he was married. Apparently, he’s actually married, but he’s only known her for two months. I just didn’t understand any of it.

August 7, 2009: My favorite part about flying is the ability to see the roads and buildings you know from a different perspective. I saw the construction for 95 at 695 from above. I know that road. I’m right above my mom’s office, and I can trace the road to the Ft. McHenry Tunnel. That’s the road that would take me home. I know the area so well. Will another place truly be home if I can’t trace the roads from above?

September 3, 2009: Almost a year has passed since I first got this notebook. So much has changed. Who would have thought that I would be here now sitting in my apartment alone with a dog. When I first bought this Moleskine, I was one day from twenty. In ten days, I’ll be 21. I wonder where I’ll be in a year. I wonder who I’ll be in a year. I wonder if I can find someone to love me. I wonder if I’ll be heart broken again.

February 2, 2006: I lost my old journal. I am 17.

February 16, 2006: On Valentine’s Day, I went to see the PostSecret exhibit at the American Visionary Museum with my friend.

April 9, 2006: I’ve spent the past few days visiting Ohio State. It was weird visiting the school with the knowledge that I’ll be spending the next four years of my life there.

April 27, 2006: I got my ears pierced on Saturday with my mom.

September 11, 2009: It’s two days from my 21st birthday and 3 years since I’ve written anything in this notebook. People change, but the words and memories written on these pages never will even though it’s faded in my mind. It seems the time around my birthday is the time to start again in a journal.

I thought about ripping out the pages before this one because I was appalled at my immaturity and my terrible and awkward handwriting, but that was the person I used to be. There’s no way to change that.

I might like butter way too much.

September 15, 2009: So my birthday has come and gone with little interest except for an awesome game and loss on Saturday to USC, my first trip to Out R Inn, and work all day.

September 23, 2009: In the back of the Moleskine, I have two senior portrait wallet cards or whatever. It’s sort of interesting or fitting I suppose for the start of my senior year of college.

Today I bought a $14.25 book for $4.54.

October 12, 2009: I am, as Hardy described Tess, happier than I have ever been in my life. I feel silly for being so happy because I’m generally quite level headed about these things, but I can’t help but be happy. I wonder where I’ll be in a year.

October 15, 2009: We went to Mac’s where I had an embarrassing episode shoveling onion rings into my mouth.

October 20, 2009: I was putting some bags in my car when I heard footsteps on the stairs. I looked up to see my neighbor and two women walking up the stairs. I paid little attention, but little did I know, I was most likely the last person to see them before they were shot. Luckily, I wasn’t home during the shooting. For some reason, my roommate didn’t hear the shooting, but apparently, my neighbor shot his mother and his sister. My roommate texted me saying there were paramedics at our apartment building.

November 23, 2009: This past week was Ohio Star Ball, which was a ton of fun. We were called back for Foxtrot, Jive, America Cha Cha, and Rumba.

He said that I had been rather distant as of late, but I guess I’ve been incredibly stressed lately.

November 28, 2009: This past week was Thanksgiving. It was nice except Maddy made a mess of herself. On Thursday, she ran through the mud puddles chasing the ducks. Later, she got herself tangled in a ton of burrs. She was a wonderful dog the entire time. After dinner on Thanksgiving, she fell asleep on my chest, and yesterday afternoon, she slept on his chest while he was reading.

December 27, 2009: I’m running out of days in December, this year, this decade.

December 29, 2009: I went home with him for Christmas, or, as I’ll call it from now on, Maddymas! It sounds a thousand times better–Merry Maddymas!

I’m impressed with my ability to love. I never knew I could love so much, but knowing that I can is a wonderful feeling.

February 22, 2010: He said he hoped that I didn’t write angry poems about him. I haven’t yet because I don’t think I’ve ever really been angry at him. He hasn’t left me.

February 25, 2010: It doesn’t feel like this is temporary. I’m running out of pages in this notebook.

March 10, 2010: This past weekend was the Arnold Classic. We had call backs in every dance except mambo and foxtrot. If I continue dancing, I want to work on Latin and Standard. This notebook is almost finished. I’m apathetic about life.

March 18, 2010: I feel as though I’ve been propelled into the past. I went to The Library to meet people for drinks. At some point, my friend and I went to the jukebox.

The past few months, I’ve buried the memories to the point that it seems as though it was another lifetime. I’m not sure I have come to terms with everything last year.

no date (December 2007): I bought this at a paper store in St. Helena, and this book is probably overpriced. I’m in seat 21D, window on an exit row. My Campers are nearly destroyed now since I wear them to work so they’re crusted in pizza sauce. The soles are so worn.

March 26, 2010: Last night it snowed. I’m on Spring Break. There is no break for me.

March 29, 2010: I feel like I’m limiting myself quite a bit. I’m not entirely sure I’m doing the right thing. I need to figure out my life.

April 2, 2010: The weather is beautiful, but it’s nearly too hot. I wish it were different.

April 12, 2010: I don’t think I’m ready to leave Columbus.

April 19, 2010: I thought the first time I saw him that he wouldn’t be interested in me. I’m not his type. What a disaster. I miss the way he holds me.

May 5, 2010: I haven’t written much lately. I have been avoiding it for better or for worse. I don’t know. I bought a bike yesterday.

May 13, 2010: I guess I’ve been avoiding everything. If I were to title the little I’ve written in this journal, it would be “My Life is a Disaster.”

It’s strange. Everyone said that I was very brave to confront him, but I don’t feel brave nor strong. I feel empty, very empty.

May 18, 2010: I strained my wrist. I shouldn’t be writing probably. On Sunday I could hardly lift a coffee mug.

June 4, 2010: I’ve been reading this poem a lot lately. I guess it is just too perfect for me right now.

June 9, 2010: I hope he isn’t just because I feel that he is a better person than that, but I don’t know.

June 22, 2010: It’s been two months now, which is a strange thought. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I guess I’m realizing how much of a person I actually am. Maybe I’m starting to come to terms with it.

I got my haircut. My bangs are a little short.

July 7, 2010: This past week has been incredibly difficult. I’ve been intending to write about it, but I’m not really sure I can. I cut off my hair. I miss it, but my hair did nothing for me. It didn’t define me as a person. It’s strange how little consideration I really give my appearance. It’s strange how little opinion I have. I don’t care about my hair cut. It’s just my hair. It’s just hair.

The day before my hair cut, Friday [July 2], I felt my absolute lowest. All day until I cut my hair, I was a disaster, and I was working.

I need to be stronger, but being strong is difficult. Maybe when everything is different (my hair, my house, my future) I can be the person I want to be.

August 30, 2010: It’s strange that this month is almost over because I feel as though it has passed without notice. I suppose that’s fine, and I really don’t mind. I’m done with this month, with summer, with this, and I really feel that the changing month will help.

Things are better than they have been. I can’t make someone love me. I learned that long ago.

I’m excited to go to San Francisco. I think I really need this break. I think doing different things will be nice.

September 2, 2010: I’m flying with Maddy to San Francisco. It hasn’t been as bad as I imagined it would, but I always fear the absolute worst (ie. Maddy jumping out of my arms going through security). I’m lacking in leg room, which sucks, but that’s not awful.

September 17, 2010: I came to Chicago on a whim even though I’m broke. Since I wasn’t scheduled to work this week, I decided to go.

September 30, 2010: Reading over my previous entries has been so hard. I want to be better person. I hope I can be. I hope I am a better person now.

October 5, 2010: Yesterday, I was completely overwhelmed by how wonderful my life is, which is so strange. Everything was so awful and depressing for so long, and now I see how happy I am and how exciting each day is. I’m incredibly happy.

All of this came barreling out of nowhere with no warning.

October 20, 2010: I saw him running, but he didn’t see me on the street. It was like the scene from the falling episode of Radiolab, and I understand perfectly.

November 17, 2010: Since coming back from Chicago, I’ve pretty much been incredibly tired. After the Penn State game, I went to a dinner party gluten free style.

November 19, 2010: It’s a long list of guys to make a girl bitter. Look at you, Sara. All kinds of bitter. How embarrassing. 22 and bitter.

December 9, 2010: I’m tired, and I don’t know how I got through this past week. I don’t think I failed any of my finals. I’m definitely worn down after working 40 hours and super stressing over my classes. I’m glad I’m done. I hope my portfolio was acceptable.

December 14, 2010: I’m nearing the end of this journal, and I wonder what monstrous change awaits me.

I ran into him Christmas shopping, which was incredibly awkward and difficult seeing him and talking to him. It was so hard because there were so many things I wanted to say and ask, but I didn’t and couldn’t. I guess the memories are still heavy for me. I wonder if he thinks of me, but I guess it doesn’t matter if he does. It was strange and almost surreal. I felt rattled as I walked away.

December 24, 2010: I didn’t really finish the last entry in the last journal. I meant to but didn’t particularly care about it. I guess I’m still not comfortable dwelling on it. I’m not prepared to really think about it even though I should just get over my life.

I am without a doubt the happiest I have been in months.

There are a lot of things I want to tell him, but I’m not sure any of it matters.

December 25, 2010: Today is Maddymas. She’s sitting in my lap and awkwardly resting her head on the table. It’s rainy in San Francisco, but I’m okay with it. I’m determined to do as much reading as possible while I’m here.

March 8, 2011: I haven’t written in here in quite a bit, at least not a proper entry. I’m slightly concerned I’m thinking too far into the future.

June 13, 2011: Why am I writing in cursive? I really don’t know. In my mind, I want to be able to write in cursive. Really, I don’t see the point, but I do think about my words much more–the spelling, how to shape each letter. Right now, it’s an exercise in a lot of thinking because it’s not natural How much work for just a few lines of words.

Lately, I’ve been lost in my memories. In all honesty, it’s paralyzing.

July 11, 2011: One day, I’ll write about what really matters, but for now I’m avoiding it because I always run away. I always run. always run away. Why?

July 12, 2011: It seems that I haven’t even been entirely truthful even in my journal. I used to confess everything in these notebooks. Maybe I am hesitant knowing that they are a record of everything I have done. I guess it really doesn’t matter because no one is perfect, and I really don’t want to be perfect anyways. That would be boring. I do feel bad for anyone attempting to decipher my handwriting, especially now that I’m trying to write in cursive. By the time anyone is unfortunate to try and read this, I’m sure nearly no one will know how.

The rain started as a sigh, and I could see the rain falling in the light of the streetlights. Streetlights is a good word. Maybe I can’t write anything substantial in cursive.

July 13, 2011: I don’t want to write about it. I only write about things that aren’t relevant, and it’s frustrating. What am I so scared about? The truth? The lies? Maybe the silence–the words unsaid are still lies? A silent lie? Does the truth matter? Always back to the truth. Maybe that’s why I like writing poetry, but it’s not really like I know why.

What is the truth that I want to know?
What is the truth that matters to me?
Will I ever know?
What is the truth I want to share?
What truth is important?
Will I ever know?

July 16, 2011: I’m not sure how I feel about everything. I think all the thoughts for the past year are catching up to me, and honestly, I’m not sure what to do with them…about them…

What will make this go away? I’m not sure I can write through this. I like to deal with things, think about them, and then write. So what do I do now?

I wish my words were enough.

July 17, 2011: I miss the girl I was, but I don’t know who she is. There’s one photo where I think I look completely beautiful. I don’t think I’ll ever look like that ever again. Does it matter?

July 22, 2011: Lately, I’ve been feeling really good. I think the only way I could be feeling better is if I started dancing again. I want to dance again. I miss it so much.

July 31, 2011: It’s weird feeling sort of lonely. I guess I’m tired of connecting with people on the surface. I want to connect more.

August 10, 2011: I remember the horses snorting and startling me, walking through the sand, and laying on the bench looking up at the stars. Jupiter bright behind us. I dared to wade into the water holding my no longer new blue dress up to my hips and tilting my head up to see the stars. Stupid sentimental stars. I never want to forget it. Will I remember just because I wrote it down? I guess only time will tell because if I forget remembering it, then it won’t matter. Just another trivial thing that doesn’t really matter in life, that doesn’t really make a difference.

August 23, 2011: Screw being a modern woman. I want men to offer me cigarettes and light them for me.

I need to just figure things out. I should just do my own thing for a while. That made me happy last year.

August 26, 2011: I’m finishing the last pages of this notebook, which means that something will change, and I hope it’s for the better. I don’t think this year has been all that bad. 22 has been a good year, at least way better than 21, and it’s almost fall, which seems like the time for beginnings. I’m ready.

This notebook is filled with the new direction my life has taken this past year–poetry, independence, and so much hope. I can only hope this all gets better because I feel like I’m trying to begin a new journey or a new step. I’ll end this here…my heart is pounding. I’m so hopeful.

had a chance

September 25, 2011

food, friendship, life, memories, Ohio, poetry, school, things that make me happy, travel

1 Comment

This weekend has been one of the best weekends in recent memory. I went down to Cincinnati to visit a couple of friends with the intention of going to the Midpoint Music Festival, but instead, we just hung out the entire time, which was really nice. It’s weird because it’s not as though I don’t have friends. I do. I have a lot of really great friends, but spending a lot of time with two good friends I haven’t seen in a while is different.

When I got to Cincinnati, we went to eat in Over the Rhine close to a lot of the venues for the festival, so there was a lot of really good people watching. A man sped down the street on a Segway. Someone smashed a cupcake into his friend’s face. The food was amazing at Lavomatic.

The next day, we went to Covington to eat burritos at Lime. It probably would have been better on a sunny day because there was a lot of really nice outdoor seating. I really liked the burrito. I would like to go back to Covington to explore more because there seemed to be some interesting coffee shops and restaurants. From there we went to Newport to watch a movie before heading back for dinner and then Beerfest at Fries Cafe. It was incredibly crowded, but I had fun tasting beers. I also met up with a person I met at Sewanee, which was really nice. We were able to catch up a little bit.

I had a relatively short stay in Cincinnati, but I really enjoyed my time there. I think it was one of my best visits, and I ate so much good food. Being in a different place was a nice break from life as of late. I feel slightly lost and confused in my own thoughts, which isn’t necessarily helpful.

When I came back to Columbus, I met with my professor, which was really nice. We talked about graduate schools a little bit. I’m not really sure what I want to do anymore. I know I still want to apply for MFA programs, but I’m reconsidering my enormous list of schools. A lot of people say that it’s good to apply to several schools in case I get rejected, but I think I need to focus it a little bit more. It’s a lot to think about.

My class starts on Tuesday, which I am tremendously excited about. I want to be back on campus. I want to be in school.

My heart feels heavy. How do you live with the person you are?

—to-happiness.net

take me to happiness

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