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dreams

to the dawn

March 6, 2012
dreams, life, love, memories, Ohio

excerpts from my journal for Monday March 5th: I am hungry. I crave fried food–french fries, onion rings, chicken tenders, and love. I love so easily. how easily I love. what? That bearded man was not Emily. how easily I love. how easily I love. how french fries french fries french fries.

Transience has been on my mind so much lately. How many people have I loved and will never see again? Maybe one but I suppose that’s by choice. I suppose the question I should pose is how many people who once were close no longer are? Then, the number skyrockets. I have no idea. Friends from high school. Friends from my undergraduate days. Friends from work.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master

We sat in the dim fluorescent lighting of the bar. Glass shards still clung to the doormat. You placed your hand on my face and said that was all you were going to do, and I asked if you had seen Hitch. You said no, made a face, and then kissed me. I laughed, and you kissed me again. You said I laughed so easily. Strangers surrounded us. You are a stranger.

It’s weird that threads of my life are coming back together in so many ways. At the Sewanee reception, I thought of what someone said at a reading a few weeks ago. It’s so strange seeing everyone in their winter clothes.

When we sat on the bench, a raccoon came near us, his eyes flashing in the darkness. I wanted to see the stars, but that night was cloudy. We talked about nothing, and you didn’t even try to take my hand or put your arm around my shoulders with some awkward excuse. Did I ask if you had a blanket in your car? Even then, we sat in our separate spaces. Later, I asked if you would forget me. Why do I ask such stupid questions?

How many people have forgotten me? How many people have I forgotten? I’m losing people every day, sometimes by choice but more often just because it’s not in my control. It’s how life works. I live in one state. You live in another. And I am a hopeless romantic. Maybe one day when our paths are different, they can intersect again. Maybe then, we’ll fall in love.

But I don’t hope. I’m not sitting here waiting for one of those people to knock on my door. I used to wait. I’m good at waiting. I learned that a long time ago, but I can’t wait. Some people aren’t worth waiting.

You asked me if I ever loved you, and I told you I never had the chance. It didn’t matter. You hurt me regardless of love.

Sometimes I wonder if all of it is just waiting maybe to run into someone again no matter how unlikely or hoping that maybe a guy will ask me to dance and as we dance I’ll feel that connectivity I’m looking for but have such a difficult time finding. Maybe I’ll just be lucky to meet a guy who doesn’t leer.

There are so many things that I want but cannot say, and it’s that involuntary turn in my thoughts that startles me and reminds me that I can’t have what I want.

You asked what I wanted, and I said, “Nothing you can give me.” I can’t hope.

My oldest friend in Columbus is leaving. What is keeping me here? Not the hope of meeting a nice Ohio boy even though Ohio boys are very nice and I highly recommend dating them to other people. I guess by this point in my life, I’ve dated mostly guys from Ohio, so a change of scenery is probably  better for a girl who will always be from Maryland.

I’m not heartbroken, and I don’t really fear turning into a spinster. Loneliness and longing make for pretty good poetry I suppose, but I guess I’ll run out of that material if I were to become a spinster. I might make a nice neighborhood elderly lady. I’ll bake pies and cookies for my neighbors.

What am I even trying to look for if I might be leaving? Would boys in Indiana be much different from boys in Ohio? Would I be able to see boys in Maryland as anything more than the guys I dated in high school?

None of this matters. It’s not entirely up to me. I might be leaving, but that isn’t really any comfort. Maybe love isn’t meant for a girl like me. Maybe I’ve squandered all my love. Well, I know that isn’t true because I know I have so much love, but I wonder sometimes. I wonder if I’ll ever feel that way again. I wonder if I’ll ever feel this way again.

wake up

February 24, 2012
applications, dreams, good things, life, school, things that make me happy

Proof that today is a wonderful day: Florence + the Machine tickets for Cleveland on July 30th and an email acceptance to Purdue.

To say that I am happy and ecstatic is the understatement of the century. I had just taken my first bite of my lunch when I saw my acceptance email, and I half-screamed with excitement and half-choked on my food, picked up my dog and gave her a big hug, and ran around the couch three times. I thought about running outside on my back porch and screaming, “I’M GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL!” to the wind as it knocked over trash cans in the alley.

I am so excited for my future. The other day, I saw my professor, and he said that it’s still early in the notification season. Really, I am so relieved to have my first acceptance even though I don’t really know what will happen over the next few months, but I feel optimistic.

My summer is shaping up to be an exciting one–Kenyon Review Writers’ Workshop, Florence + the Machine, graduate school somewhere.

silence carved

December 31, 2011
applications, beauty, blog, dreams, friendship, good things, life, memories

I haven’t posted much on my blog this month, which is fine I suppose. I’ve written enough in my journal. 2011 has been far better than 2010, which isn’t saying much, but I’m happy. I’ve made so many new friends and it has been a reminder of the strong friendships I already have. How cheesy.

Somewhere along the way these past 12 months, I’ve discovered that I’m no longer a girl. I still have the XX. I mean I knew I wasn’t a child and I knew I was age-wise an adult, but now, somehow I know with confidence that I’m an adult and some sort of woman, which I still don’t quite understand. This is something I’ll have to write out and I already have started.

The best parts of this year were love, moving past one year, foggy mornings driving Ohio roads, feeling like a somewhat legit poet, seeing the stars, seeing Florence + the Machine, dancing for fun (a step closer to real dancing again), meeting so many wonderful new people. I don’t think it’s possible to encapsulate how wonderful this year has been. It’s silly to say that I’m lucky because I really don’t think it’s luck.

Resolutions? I’ll think about it tomorrow. Right now, it’s the perfect day reflecting on this year and this life because I’m trying to write a biographical personal statement. My name is Sara. I’m 23. I love this life I’m living. 2011 was wonderful. I want to go to x school because I know it’ll be a big component of making 2012 even better. I am so hopeful.

My Latin teacher once told the class that carpe diem really meant “pluck the day” rather than the popular (and somewhat violent) “seize the day.” (I really don’t like the little graphic image thing on the internet that says “carpe the fuck out of this diem“, which I’m sure has good intentions.) He brought this up because my friend walked into the classroom with a shirt that said “carpe DNA.” Anyways, this wikipedia article summarizes it a little bit better.

Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero

I guess I trust the future because I’m always so silly and idealistic and hopeful, but this moment, this day, I’m enjoying it. I’m not seizing it. I’m picking this moment now. I’m savoring it. This entry is disjointed.

December was a perfect ending to a perfect year, and I’m glad that I’ll be celebrating the end of a wonderful year with wonderful friends.

I don’t need a New Year’s kiss.

rest of your life

November 21, 2011
applications, dreams, life
1 Comment

I know I’ve been putting off for the past, I don’t know, six months, but it’s coming to the point where I can’t put off writing my personal statement anymore. I almost feel nauseous thinking about writing about myself even though I’m writing about myself right now on this blog. Oh, Sara, you’re so silly.

I guess it’s the fact that my personal statement will be me out there for people to frown at and think I’m completely boring. How do I convey that I love to dance awkwardly? How do I convey I’ve got some sass? How do I convey that I have never wanted anything in the world this much? How do I convey that I’m strong? How do I convey that I touch my nose when I think and I love my dog? I realize that some of this is irrelevant to a personal statement. I don’t even know. I have no story to tell.

There are things that I want to address (you know, like Earth Day) but I don’t want to be labeled as that girl. It’s the logical thing to write about since, you know, it kind of changed the course of my entire life and set me on this whole poetry writing thing. If none of that happened, I would have graduated last summer. I wouldn’t have taken that class. I probably wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t want this. I would want something else like cheesecake although I do want cheesecake. Ugh. UGH. I don’t want my personal statement to be a pity story. I want to kick something.

It is probably the reason why all my poems are about stupid loss and loneliness. Such a one note.

I’m so stressed. I should have started writing this months ago, but I think the thing is that writing it will force me to confront my own life. I don’t have problems with my life, but it’ll force me to write about the things that hurt the most, which I do but I don’t know.

Can someone just analyze my life for me? I guess that would be a therapist.

Where do I start? “Hi, I’m Sara. I wake up in the morning and walk my dog. When I get back, I like to sit down at my computer and read New York Times articles to avoid writing this very personal statement. I like to write poetry and eat lemon pasta.” I guess their reaction would be is this a personal statement or a personal ad? “I also enjoy long walks on the beach (beach? I guess the banks of the Olentangy) and candlelight dinners.”

Who am I? Where do I start?

the way back

November 10, 2011
applications, dreams, poetry

This week has been ridiculously productive, and I’ve done a lot revising my poems. I’m worried that I’ll fall into a blank verse rut because I’ve been working with it a lot over the past month or so, which is good because revising has been a lot easier, but I don’t want it to take over my life. I finally had a breakthrough with one of my poems and finished revising it. I had been working on it for a week, and while my professor suggested taking something out, I decided against it not out of laziness but rather I could justify the phrase.

Maybe it is laziness.

I just can understand a girl remembering the moment he took her hand especially if she knew it was the last moment they would see each other. I suppose it’s like remembering a first kiss or something. Not quite. I suppose a kiss is more memorable, but if it only happened hours ago and it was a memory that you were holding onto, I would remember it because I’m a stupid sentimental girl. Maybe I’m justifying my laziness to myself. Maybe it’s because I wouldn’t want to forget it.

These past few days, I have been pretty happy although the weather has turned cooler. Walking through the park this morning, I wished I were wearing a heavier jacket, and last night when I was riding my bike home from the coffee shop, I was cold.

I have been spending a lot of time in coffee shops revising, revising, and revising. After I had dinner a couple of nights ago, I went to a coffee shop. It was jam packed with a ton of people, and a guy kindly offered a seat at his table with another stranger. It turns out, he graduated with an MFA in fiction many years ago, which was interesting just because I’m just beginning this writing process. I met new people. Last night, I decided to go back after work just to try and get some work done even though I had revised a poem earlier in the day. I ran into some friends there.

I have less than a month until my first application is due, and I’m starting to panic, which is getting my ass in gear. I’m starting to pull together my manuscript. Surprisingly, I have more poems than I thought I would, but I might need to write a few more or push some that I’ve put away for a little bit. I’m no way near done.

I can do this.

breaking over

November 8, 2011
applications, cooking, dreams, food, friendship, good things, life, love, Maddy, memories, Ohio, poetry, recipes, things that make me happy

This weekend has been incredibly social. Since there aren’t time stamp on these entries (what is wrong with knowing the time?) it seems that I’m writing this sometime Tuesday and not just past midnight. Anyways, on Thursday after work, I met up with my friend at a show. It was sort of on a whim since I didn’t have any other plans and I didn’t really feel like being at home. When I got there, I ran into several of my friends, and these friend circles had never intersected before. It was really bizarre, but I had this outrageous happy euphoric feeling seeing all of my friends.

The show was good, but I guess I’m not much for standing around just kind of nodding my head to the music. Afterward, I wanted to dance so much and so badly that I went to Ladies 80′s, but there were so many creepy awkward people there. I just dance with my elbows out.

I had a very relaxing Friday running errands and getting ready for my dinner party on Saturday. Sort of spontaneously, I decided to make dinner for my friends because I wanted to make these apple pie cookies, and I had talked to someone about getting together and making them. Also, sometime sitting in a booth at The Library, I told a few people that I would make dinner for them. Since these two events aligned, I figured I would make the cookies as part of making dinner for people. It was sort of hard because I wanted to cook for everyone I know, but being reasonable, I know I can’t make dinner for like 40 people.

It actually worked out very well. I made the sauce for the lasagna the night before. I would have assembled and par baked the lasagna, but I forgot to buy the actual pasta for it. It ended up that I just went back in the morning. I also prepped the jalapeno cheddar scones and froze them to bake off before dinner.

The next day, I prepped the pastry dough for the cookies, grated a ton of cheese (I grated about a pound by hand before I remembered that I have a food processor), cut up all of the veggies for roasting, assembled the lasagna, and par baked one. My friend came over and we finished making the apple pie cookies. I should have rolled the dough out thinner so we would have had more cookies.

After that, I roasted the vegetables then finished off the lasagna while I baked the jalapeno cheddar scones. While those were cooking, I prepared the upside down pear cakes. While we were eating dinner, I put those in the oven. I didn’t grease the pan well enough so we had to run the knife along the edge, and when we dumped out the little cakes, I got honey all over myself. It’s okay.

I had so much fun cooking and hanging out with everyone, and I would love to cook for my friends again. It did work out so well because the recipe made two 9 x 13 lasagnas, which ended up being the perfect amount to feed about 12 people with varying appetites and then having leftovers. If I only had one lasagna, I would have barely enough food. My friends were also wonderful and cleaned my kitchen while I snuggled with my dog. I was so happy.

Luckily, Daylight Savings was in the middle of the night so I had time to recover before working all day on Sunday.

I’m really looking forward to the Winter Holiday Party, which would be a little tough just because December is a very busy month since I’m already going to Chicago one weekend. Also, there are so many desserts that I want to make. I will definitely make the upside down pear cakes because they’re already gluten free, and I’ll make a cheesecake because I have been craving cheesecake for a while.

I rearranged some of my furniture so now my mismatched bookshelves are all on one wall. This set up works a little bit better, but now my new reading chair is sitting in a bare corner. I have no wall decorations because I’m terrified of having to fill all the holes when I move out. There are already some from the girl who lived here previously. Maybe I should just get over it. Either way, I don’t know what I would put on my walls. I suppose art.

I can’t imagine leaving the people I’ve met in Columbus. I talked to my friend about it briefly when we were having lunch. The choice is moving out of my control with each passing week. My GPA is what it is, and that was decided by June. My GRE scores are set in stone. The only things I have in my control now are my personal statement and my portfolio. I’m running out of time. It’s less than a month to the first deadline. I guess I’m lucky that I live in Columbus because it only takes a day to mail it to campus. I could hand deliver it, but I think I’ll be in Chicago. I want to be done with it before then anyways.

What if I don’t get into graduate school? I told my professor I would apply again next year. It’s a terrifying thought and certainly a possibility but not entirely disheartening. Last year, I was just beginning to write poetry, and I’ve come so far in a year.

Where will I be next year?

see no way

November 2, 2011
dreams, good things, life, Maddy, routine

Every time there is a beautiful day, I wonder if it’ll be the last before winter settles in for all those months. I’m not ready to let go of autumn. We’ve had some crisp days lately, and I turned on my heat for about 10 minutes before I figured I could tough it out for a little longer. I’m not really looking forward to covering my windows in plastic and short walks with the dog because she gets so cold so quickly.

It’s November, so I shouldn’t be so surprised that there are cold days ahead. November is usually a happy month when I settle into whatever is going on in my life whatever that is. Three years ago it was life in the Chateau. Was it so recent? It feels like another lifetime. Two years ago, I had all that bliss. Last year, it was the beginning. I have so much hope for every month.

This month, I do need to buckle down and bust out my portfolio. I have so much work. It never ends. It never will.

Today was beautiful, and I feel strange knowing that in a few weeks it’ll be too cold for long walks in the park and my cheeks will be too cold when I ride my bike. I love winter until February when I get sick of wearing two pairs of gloves and a hat and earmuffs and carefully standing in the backyard after an ice storm so I don’t slip and fall.

I need to buy a sled because I live right by the park, and I would love to go sledding. I think one of my favorite memories is sledding in front of the towers Freshman year. That was so long ago. Is it too soon to think of snow? Is it like Christmas where I shouldn’t contemplate decorations or anything until after Thanksgiving?

I’m tentatively spending Thanksgiving with a friend because we’ll both be in town. I would really like to make this (pear cranberry gingersnap crisp) for someone or I suppose I wouldn’t really mind eating it by myself.

November is off to a good start. It was somewhat relatively warm, so I read outside for a little bit. After class, I had a wonderful bike ride home and enjoyed a hamburger and onion rings for dinner.

I’m still hopeful. I have so many wonderful memories.

before dawn

October 24, 2011
dreams, exercise, good things, life

My sleeplessness is becoming an issue, and while I was perfectly functioning today and people said I didn’t look extremely sleep deprived, I felt pretty run down. I went to bed somewhat reasonably last night, but I couldn’t fall asleep and then woke up multiple times throughout the night. I think at some point I’ll just get a really good night of sleep because I have been sleeping so poorly. I might try to drink some tea before I go to bed tonight.

After work, I went running because it was so nice out, and the weather changed drastically from the rain this morning. It’ll turn back to a autumn briskness soon enough. Either way, this is the first time I’ve even attempted exercising in the last year. I was able to run the entire very short route, which was encouraging. Right now, I’m thinking about going to the gym in the morning, and it would be my first time going to the gym to work out in at least two years. My dance partner and I would used to practice there. I’m thinking about it. If I do, I’ll be pretty impressed with myself, but this plan involves waking up early, which I’m not really sure about since I’ve been so lacking in sleep.

Overall, today has been a pretty good day. I worked. I exercised. Maybe my heart is a little lighter.

I’m trying to let go.

underground

October 11, 2011
dreams, poetry, school

No progress. Oops. It wasn’t my fault I swear. I intended to print out a bunch of stuff and send them away and then work on stuff, but my student ID is so old and broken and bent that it couldn’t be read. Tomorrow, I’ll need to get a new ID.

I’m eating some picked green beans that I bought while I was in Cincinnati, and I like them quite a bit.

For my poem this week, I revised a previous poem into blank verse, which was very different from the original form, and we went over it in workshop. I think I need bring the two versions together more, but it’s an incredibly frustrating process. It doesn’t help that I’m trying to revise 3 other poems, and I’m stuck on all of them. It’s such a slow process. Revising is so difficult for me, but I’m getting better.

I am so excited about everything, and while it is long and frustrating and time consuming, I constantly feel so hopeful. Maybe if I pour my heart into all of my work, they’ll be able to see it in my words and these admissions people will accept me.

I don’t have grand hopes of instantly becoming a fantastic writer and coming out of a program and landing a job. I have hopes of being better and creating words that matter.

My words are all I have to give.

something true

October 10, 2011
applications, blog, dreams, friendship, good things, life, memories, Ohio, poetry, school

Getting together things for my applications has been so stressful. I’ve notified all of the people filling out my recommendations, which has been an ordeal since every application is different. Some of them I had to fill out the application form and others I had to find the recommendation section. On top of that, I had to deal with systems that made me change my password every single time because it was messed up and then others that just wouldn’t let me log in period. I need to really finish up this application process within the next month because I don’t want to deal with any of it anymore. Even still, I had to search high and low and send out emails for paper recommendations, which really isn’t that difficult but difficult enough that I don’t know what I would do without the internet.

It’s nice because some of the forms are already complete, and I can really see the progress toward being done the application process, which is exciting and terrifying. I still have to write a lot of statements and edit a lot of poems, but I’m making progress. Tomorrow, I’ll fill out a lot of envelopes and forms, and then I’ll start figuring out which poems are done, which seems like an impossible task because I don’t think any of them are done. I need to finish up final revisions so I can at least feel like I’m sending out the right stuff.

I’m so hopeful.

Bad Sara for not writing more on life. I haven’t touched my journal in a couple of days, and I haven’t really written on my blog. It’s okay.

This weekend was overly social, and I was sort of burnt out by all of it on Saturday. Wednesday evening I went to Bodega after work. It was a beautiful night. On Thursday, I went to a reading and then to the bar afterward, which was fun, but I am so terribly socially awkward. I didn’t expect my best friend to come, so when she did show up, I was so excited and happy. We put songs on the jukebox. (I’m not a thief.) Friday, I went to Heatwave, which was a lot of fun. I wish more people ballroom danced, and I wish I were better at dancing. Then, on Saturday I worked, worked on a poem, briefly went to a housewarming party, and then went back to writing. By the time I was at the party, I wasn’t really in the mood to socialize or hang out even with my closest friends because I was so stressed out about writing and writing and writing.

I’m not sure what I think about the poem. I’m not sure what I think about anything. I guess I’ll see tomorrow.

At Heatwave, I knew so many people, which was a strange and bizarre feeling. I’m not the type of person who knows a million people even though I’ve been in this city for 5 years. A lot of the people I once knew don’t live here anymore. Either way, it was a strange feeling looking around and seeing all these people I knew. I have a lot of really great friends, but I don’t have a lot of friends. I felt like I was surrounded by a lot of great friends.

Today, I had a lunch with one of my friends, and throughout our conversation about school, poetry, and life, I kept thinking, “This is without a doubt the life I want to live.”

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