So, as I predicted, I didn’t go to the gym today because when I woke up, my legs were killing me, and my right hip was hurting, which is incredibly concerning to me because my mother’s side of the family has hip problems. I probably should get my hip looked at now because I do have some right hip and right knee discomfort (everything on my right side has weird aches–wrist, shoulder, back, hip, knee), and I’m only 23. It’s been on my mind a lot recently. Death isn’t often on my mind just because if I die suddenly, well there isn’t much I can do about that. Anyways, if I were to die accidentally anytime soon, I’ve had a pretty amazing life so far, but I am kind of bummed that if I were to die, I don’t have a body of work in existence. I guess dying would be a bummer. I’ve had so many wonderful experiences and met so many wonderful people.

But this isn’t about me because I’m not so concerned about my own death. This is the first time that I’m really confronted with the possibility of a death of a loved one. I can’t wrap my head around the possibility of a death so close, and I can’t imagine the aftermath. I suppose I’m overthinking it because it might not even be a possibility and the whole situation is months away, but I always prepare for the worst case scenarios or try to. Putting myself through this train of thought is difficult, but anything can happen. This is too personal.

Searching on Google for “how to prevent hip problems” turns up a lot of results for how to prevent hip dysplasia in dogs.

Anyways, even though I didn’t go to the gym, I did do some strenuous bike riding because I had to pick up a book from the library and I wanted to get some reading done so I overloaded my bag with books. As I was biking home, I really regretted it because I’m certain I looked pathetic pedaling down the street (not to add I turned around like 3 times because I was indecisive when I was leaving class. I’m going to go home. I’m really craving some French fries. Where can I go? Oh, that’s back the way I just came.) with this huge bag full of books. Not to add, it was Christmas in class so my professor was handing out books, journals, and magazines, so I acquired some more paper to weigh weigh me down.

Class was okay. We went over the poem I was struggling with, which was fine. I knew going into it that it wasn’t my best work, and reading over it after I submitted it, I grimaced knowing that it was the product of too many sleepless nights. I did get some good feedback, which was overwhelming. I’m still uncertain of what I’m doing, and I don’t know if things work. One of my friends said that she was jealous of the ending because we’ve talked about how difficult it is to end a poem, and her comment blew my mind because I knew that the ending wasn’t exactly what I wanted. I guess it works, but I know I can make it better.

I have been obsessed with “Couple From Hell” by Craig Arnold from Made Flesh. There aren’t any good excerpts on the internet that I’ve found so far. At least, I can’t find the excerpts that make my heart ache.

Surprisingly, looking over the comments on my poem, a lot of people didn’t understand what was going on and a lot of details even though the poem was titled “Persephone.” I sort of assumed the story/myth of Persephone was common knowledge because I have distinctive memories of going over the story of Ceres in 5th grade because someone asked if the word “cereal” came from Ceres since she was the goddess of grains.

Actually, this is incredibly depressing if you think about it because the association isn’t with grains as a crop but probably grains at the bottom of the food pyramid. The disassociation between food and where it comes from. Back then we had a food pyramid. I guess it could be just a child trying to make the connection between something not really tangible (mythology) to something in his or her everyday life (cereal).

I also remember going over mythology in 7th grade when we talked about Demeter. We had quizzes about the Greek names and the Roman names of the gods and goddesses. Then, in college I took Classics 222, and I can understand that not everyone has taken a college level introduction to mythology. I guess since I have such strong memories of learning about it in grade school that I thought it was common knowledge, but I should have known that my experience is not everyone’s.

I think this is a situation where I just realize that I can’t write a poem that everyone understands. If you don’t know about the Homeric Hymn to Demeter or the story of Persephone, I don’t think it’s possible to understand this poem, and it’s very strange because up until now I haven’t written a poem on a story that isn’t sort of unique. I feel sort of wary about it because people have been writing about this story for thousands of years, and a lot of people have done a much better job than I can ever dream of doing (ie Craig Arnold’s “Couple from Hell” and Louise Gluck’s poems in “Averno” such as “Persephone the Wanderer” and “Myth of Innocence“). What can I possibly contribute? This poem is ambitious, and I really want to include it in my portfolio. I need to bust my butt this next month revising it.

Hopefully, tonight I can sleep. It’s Halloween this weekend, and I’m not really trying to worry or think about it. There’s a dance party on Saturday that I’m planning to go to, but other than that, I wonder if I should just step back and take time to myself. I might not even get to wear my costume because I’m not planning to wear it to the dance party.

The light was green, so I stepped into the road. A car was coming. You jerked me back.