When she was 22, the future looked bright…

I’m turning 22 tomorrow, and it won’t feel different from being 21. Tomorrow will be another day in Columbus, Ohio, a little warmer than I would like but not too bad. Da Levee, one of my favorite restaurants, will be closed because it’s closed on Mondays. Maddy and I will get up and go for our morning walk. Nothing will be different, and I won’t feel older, smarter, more sophisticated, more beautiful, nor happier.

In fact, I always find birthdays strange because yes you’re one year older, but actually you’re one day older than the day before so you’re really just one hour older and one second older. You’re always older. Why does a number make you feel older? I don’t know. While I am turning 22, I really feel like I’m 25 or 30 so it doesn’t really matter to me very much. I don’t place much value on my age because when I was 16, people thought I was 21. When I was 17, people thought I was 30 (or at least old enough for a 33 year old to ask me out). I would like to turn 25 so I can rent a car for less if I decide to go on vacation. For example, I would like to travel to San Francisco on my own, and I would like to rent a car so I can go to Napa Valley.

I think I place a relatively high value on this birthday more than when I turned 21. I was still excited about turning 21 so I could drink. I remember the Saturday before my birthday very well. USC v. OSU. 21! Then, we went to Out-R-Inn. Tequila shots. Drinks. Pizza. Trying to cha cha on the patio. Stopping by the Chateau, and lo and behold it’s Burke, Burke, and Burke! Then, I worked on my birthday. I remember towards the end of my BUB shift, Kelly was like “I need to buy you a drink after this. Are you 21?” I came to the realization that, yes, I am 21, and today is my birthday. It was an uneventful day, but I was perfectly content. I was at the beginning of my senior year. Everything seemed possible. Everything was possible.

I’ve changed so much since then just in general. I don’t know. When I think back on these days and months being 21, I would say that it was definitely a life changing year, and surprisingly, in more ways than one, I have found myself somewhat and established to myself at least who I am. I mean, we spend our entire lives figuring out who we are, but I feel that now I have more confidence in the person I have become. I mean, we never truly know ourselves. I’m sure this confidence in myself will be tested again, but I think now I have a better idea. I know I’m not completely awful. I’m smarter than I give myself credit. I look better than I think I do…unless I have work bangs. My company is tolerable by multiple people and not just my mother. I am strong.

Overall, I would say this year was 6 months of wonderful and 6 months of complete awful. I talked to Jeff on the phone last night, which was really really nice. I actually talked to Jeff last night and Arie tonight. It was so nice, and it felt so good to talk to them. When I was talking to Arie, he mentioned how it’s easy to have a lot of friends and acquaintances, but it’s difficult to find someone you can really talk to about your problems and fears and feelings. I don’t know. I didn’t really have that sort of bonding experience with anyone in college. In high school, it was easier I suppose since you talk about silly things that aren’t really anything, but it paves the way for deeper conversations later when there are more meaningful things in life. I feel like I’m at that point with a lot of people. I’m friends with them, and I want to be able to evolve the relationship into one where I can talk to them about my fears and concerns.

Either way, Jeff was sort of surprised by my depressing sort of attitude since we last saw each other around New Year’s. Well he thought it was a different time and not New Year’s, but it was! I swear. He said that I seemed so happy, and I was. Everything was wonderful. If I were to draw another Sara mood chart for 2010, it would look somewhat similar to 2009…well thus far…sort of. That’s a lie, but if I were to draw a chart for September 13, 2009 to September 12, 2010, it would look different.

These aren’t really to scale, and I left out a peak for when I got Maddy, but you get the general idea. When I last visited Maryland, I was on the upward slope of a seemingly never ending happiness peak, but then reality hit me. I was silly. Stuff happened. I’m proud of myself for being strong and pulling myself out of this last slump. I mean, I would like to say thanks to all my friends for believing in me and what not, but really, it’s just been me. No one held my hand for the past month. No one was there for me. I’m getting myself out of this rut. I’m not bitter or angry wondering why no one is there, I guess I just realize that people have their own lives, other people to worry about, and I understand. I’m not the essential component of anyone’s life even though I am a part of it. I don’t know. I just have to believe in myself more. This isn’t to say that I’m ungrateful for the people who have been there. In reality, I’m so thankful that I don’t even know how to broach the conversation. I feel so awkward for not acknowledging it earlier, but I don’t know. The situation is weird…I have to think about it.

This reflection on the past year, on 21, is really ridiculous. I didn’t mean to make charts and diagrams….but I did so whatever. I don’t know. These past few days have been really good. I’m coming off from a trip to San Francisco and seeing my family. I had a nice Friday evening eating hot dogs, listening to music, grooving a little. I came home from work and talked to Jeff for hours, which was super nice. Then tonight, I came home from work, read a little, fell asleep on the couch, talked to Arie for hours. It’s been so long since we chatted. It was wonderful. I think it’s been a good way to say goodbye to 21 and step into 22.

These little connections to life before all of this, before coming to Ohio, when I was young, naive, and knew stuff about web design and drank Venti Organic White Chocolate Mochas make me really happy. That was an awful sentence. I guess being stuck with who I am now makes me forget who I used to be,  how far I came from being that person, and how much further I will go in life.

I guess I see my birthday this year as a huge marker of putting the past behind me and moving on with my life. I’m ready.